From the Brow of Zeus

Rockstar has ushered in a new low in the era of pre-order bonuses (one-use keycodes which unlock in-game goodies for the original customer, but cannot be transferred to a new owner's account). Pre-order bonuses have become a standard, and while it sucks knowing you'll never get the cool fire sword or skullgun if you buy used--that's the whole point. People who pay more at Gamestop instead of the secondhand market are rewarded.

Until now, that is. Gamestop customers who pre-order Red Dead Redemption, Rockstar's new "Wild West GTA" game, receive one of three outfits: The Savvy Merchant, The Deadly Assassin, or The Expert Hunter; each with its own special ability.

This is a great idea. Gamestop waves three potential rewards under my nose and then only has give me one of them. I'm thrilled, because it's hard for me to truly enjoy a game unless I'm overwhelmed by a crippling feeling of incompleteness.

Even better, customers don't get to pick which bonus costume they receive. There's a poll to determine that.

In what nightmare Twilight Zone scenario is it okay for strangers to vote on your clothes? This isn't a reality show, I haven't signed away my rights to a leering Brit with moobs, a tight t-shirt and bad haircut. No, this is how Rockstar "rewards" loyal customers who plunk down $60 (even when they know it's going to hit $40 on Amazon in a couple of days).

Now, I know what you're saying. "Please stop yelling at me about cowboys." And you're right. You'd also be right if you thought: "Big deal, the Deadly Assassin is going to win, and he's the coolest, right?"

Of course Deadly Assassin's going to win, how couldn't he? He's got an eyepatch and trench coat, he's dressed all in black. The only thing missing is a double-scar down the side of his --

Aw crap. This isn't democracy, it's equivocation--your classic Magician's Choice. "Power to the Players"? They loaded this guy so full of Dudebro, the only way they could make it more obvious that they want him to win is if they accidentally let it slip that "Deadly Assassin" is ready to go, poll results be damned.

Sure, I thought Deadly Assassin was cool. I can't not think he's cool. But I decided on the Hunter instead. Lame as his coonskin cap may be, the ability is far more unique ("Receives double the amount of skins and hides from hunting," as opposed to "Regenerates Dead Eye targeting twice as fast."), and in his wallpaper, he's fighting a grizzly bear with a Bowie knife. That is the manliest activity known to man. It'd even put hair on Matt Lucas' chest. Alas, The Expert Hunter doesn't stand a snowball's chance in Death Valley.

Adding insult to injury, the poll is open to everyone, not just customers who pre-order, but anyone with an internet connection and a little free time.

• Kids too young to play an M-rated title get to vote.
• Anyone too poor to pre-order gets to vote.
• People who are genuinely ticked off by this !@#$tease contest get to vote and mess things up for suckers who willingly spend real money on fake clothes that they don't even get to pick.

Who could possibly benefit from this? Customers have an obvious choice between $60 pre-orders for one of three costumes and $20 used none of three costumes. I doubt it's saving the Rockstar developers any work; the art team obviously rendered all three costumes, as evidenced by the promo shots, wallpapers, and sixty second trailer.

If this is all some misguided attempt to generate even more pre-orders, all I can say is this: there's no way in hell I'm not buying this thing used.

As much as corporations love making money by selling video games, they hate the public's legal right to sell their video games used. They would much rather we be stuck with our Superman 64's and Jackass: The Game's, bound to them forever as if we had had the misfortune to lift a cursed sword from a blackened swamp.

Anyone ever notice how close corporate law are to the every whim of a mad warlock? Take small print: "We can do bad things to you because you didn't read the text that was small to read." Or the time I opened Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and saw a piece of paper informing me I had 'agreed' not to resell it on eBay: "You gave up your rights when you opened the box, just like it says on the inside of the box."

I give it ten months before Wallmart claims droit de seigneur.

Labels: videogames