From the Brow of Zeus

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2010-04-30T10:06:00.001-07:00

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Red Dead Redemption Ripoff

2010-02-04T12:07:00.001-08:00

Rockstar has ushered in a new low in the era of pre-order bonuses (one-use keycodes which unlock in-game goodies for the original customer, but cannot be transferred to a new owner's account). Pre-order bonuses have become a standard, and while it sucks knowing you'll never get the cool fire sword or skullgun if you buy used--that's the whole point. People who pay more at Gamestop instead of the secondhand market are rewarded.

Until now, that is. Gamestop customers who pre-order Red Dead Redemption, Rockstar's new "Wild West GTA" game, receive one of three outfits: The Savvy Merchant, The Deadly Assassin, or The Expert Hunter; each with its own special ability.

This is a great idea. Gamestop waves three potential rewards under my nose and then only has give me one of them. I'm thrilled, because it's hard for me to truly enjoy a game unless I'm overwhelmed by a crippling feeling of incompleteness.

Even better, customers don't get to pick which bonus costume they receive. There's a poll to determine that.

In what nightmare Twilight Zone scenario is it okay for strangers to vote on your clothes? This isn't a reality show, I haven't signed away my rights to a leering Brit with moobs, a tight t-shirt and bad haircut. No, this is how Rockstar "rewards" loyal customers who plunk down $60 (even when they know it's going to hit $40 on Amazon in a couple of days).

Now, I know what you're saying. "Please stop yelling at me about cowboys." And you're right. You'd also be right if you thought: "Big deal, the Deadly Assassin is going to win, and he's the coolest, right?"

Of course Deadly Assassin's going to win, how couldn't he? He's got an eyepatch and trench coat, he's dressed all in black. The only thing missing is a double-scar down the side of his --

Aw crap. This isn't democracy, it's equivocation--your classic Magician's Choice. "Power to the Players"? They loaded this guy so full of Dudebro, the only way they could make it more obvious that they want him to win is if they accidentally let it slip that "Deadly Assassin" is ready to go, poll results be damned.

Sure, I thought Deadly Assassin was cool. I can't not think he's cool. But I decided on the Hunter instead. Lame as his coonskin cap may be, the ability is far more unique ("Receives double the amount of skins and hides from hunting," as opposed to "Regenerates Dead Eye targeting twice as fast."), and in his wallpaper, he's fighting a grizzly bear with a Bowie knife. That is the manliest activity known to man. It'd even put hair on Matt Lucas' chest. Alas, The Expert Hunter doesn't stand a snowball's chance in Death Valley.

Adding insult to injury, the poll is open to everyone, not just customers who pre-order, but anyone with an internet connection and a little free time.

Kids too young to play an M-rated title get to vote.
Anyone too poor to pre-order gets to vote.
People who are genuinely ticked off by this !@#$tease contest get to vote and mess things up for suckers who willingly spend real money on fake clothes that they don't even get to pick.

Who could possibly benefit from this? Customers have an obvious choice between $60 pre-orders for one of three costumes and $20 used none of three costumes. I doubt it's saving the Rockstar developers any work; the art team obviously rendered all three costumes, as evidenced by the promo shots, wallpapers, and sixty second trailer.

If this is all some misguided attempt to generate even more pre-orders, all I can say is this: there's no way in hell I'm not buying this thing used.

As much as corporations love making money by selling video games, they hate the public's legal right to sell their video games used. They would much rather we be stuck with our Superman 64's and Jackass: The Game's, bound to them forever as if we had had the misfortune to lift a cursed sword from a blackened swamp.

Anyone ever notice how close corporate law are to the every whim of a mad warlock? Take small print: "We can do bad things to you because you didn't read the text that was small to read." Or the time I opened Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and saw a piece of paper informing me I had 'agreed' not to resell it on eBay: "You gave up your rights when you opened the box, just like it says on the inside of the box."

I give it ten months before Wallmart claims droit de seigneur.

Yo, Dudebro, it's Fallout Extreme!

2010-01-27T19:43:00.000-08:00

Ausir has information on an unreleased Interplay game called Fallout Extreme.

Fallout Extreme was a canceled squad-based first- and third-person tactical game for the Xbox, using the Unreal Engine and developed by Interplay's 14 Degrees East division (co-developers of Fallout Tactics). It was in development for a several months in 2000, but didn't really have a concrete development team and never made it out of concept. After it was canceled, Interplay's next attempt at making a console version of Fallout was Fallout: Brotherhood of Steel, this time for both the Xbox and PS2.

He may know the secret history, but this is the only place you'll find this exclusive Fallout Extreme image below:

Now we know what the vent on the top of his head is for.

The Ballad of Billy Lee: Double Dragon NES vs. SMS

2010-01-17T19:15:00.000-08:00

When I was 8 or 9, I really wanted an NES (just like everyone else), but instead of getting one, we got a Sega Master System. We grumbled a little, but it did come with three free games. The first two were combined in one cart: Hang On, a motorcycle racing game that was pretty neat, and Astro Warrior, a vertical shump with music that, to this day, brings back memories of clamping my mitts around a SMS pad and playing as best I could despite freezing mountain town temperatures.

The third game was a mail-in special, which you got as a reward for buying Sega: Double Dragon.

Double Dragon was the first arcade game I ever saw that had a line of people waiting to play it. I'll never forget the day I walked into Scandia and saw four or five people actually waiting to play an arcade game. Not just one or two guys popping quarters on the machine to hold their place--a right British queue.

"Why the heck are they waiting?" I wondered. "This arcade is huge, there's tons of games, go play them!"

Then I got a taste of Double Dragon and I knew it was worth standing in line for. Just like it was worth getting a Sega instead of a Nintendo.

See, the NES version of Double Dragon is compromised. There's no two player simultaneous mode--the fighting minigame really isn't worth mentioning--which means one of the best two-player co-op games at the time was whittled down to alternating multiplayer. This had a huge impact on the game, because not only did it mean waiting to take turns with my brother, it ruined my favorite end-game twist of all time.

Anyone remember beating Double Dragon at the arcade for the first time? Me and my brother did it. My little brother, really, because by the time the credits rolled, I was already dead. See, D.D. is your standard blue jeans 80s revenge movie boiled down into a simple quest to save the girl, but after punching your way through cities and forests and finally getting to the Shadow Warrior's lair, the game suddenly pits both players against each other in a fight to the death. This is insane, because whoever loses is basically branded the surprise twist villain, and the other guy saves the girl and gets the happy ending.

I didn't get the girl. My little brother did. I fell off a friggin' pit at the bottom of the screen and lost my last life.

Of course, the NES Double Dragon lacks all of this. There's no, "No way!" moment where you suddenly have to box your friend over a pit of death. You just fight yet more baddies until the end of the game.

The Sega Double Dragon was different. It was the first really good arcade port I ever played. (Atari 2600 Pac-Man... was not great.) I played the hell out of D.D., and sometimes my brother won, and sometimes I did, but either way, on the way to the Shadow Warrior's lair, it was fun as hell.

We eventually did get an NES, rented the hell out of Batman and Super Mario Bros. 2. We loved it, having known all along that SMS was second fiddle to NES. We even rented Double Dragon a lot, just out of morbid curiosity. But it just wasn't the same, and in the end, we always went back to Sega's Double Dragon.

The movie is pretty cool, too. But that's a story for another time.

Images from MobyGames.

The 10 Most Shameful RPG Dice

2010-01-16T22:27:00.000-08:00

Here's a funny article written by Rob Bricken of Topless Robot: The 10 Most Shameful RPG Dice.

There's quite a few dice I haven't heard of, including an oddball little D5 from the maker of the Zocchihedron, a 100-sided dice of dubious randomness (also featured).

There are dice made of gold and dinosaur bones, but the highlight has to be the utter insanity of the D34.

What are we doing? We have descended into madness as human beings.

I love that line. Read it--and others--by clicking here.

Angry Man In Burger King Gets Instant Karma!

2010-01-11T12:33:00.000-08:00

...

He was angry about the lack of non-slip floor mats.

Prequel to John Carpenter's "The Thing"

2010-01-05T10:26:00.000-08:00

Zooks! There's a prequel to John Carpenter's "The Thing" in the works, reportedly set in the Norwegian camp were everyone's favorite polymorphing practical effect hung out before getting all up in Kurt Russel's area.

The Thing prequel is being directed by an unknown commercial director (which is standard these days, just like the Friday and Chainsaw reboots), and the first draft of the screenplay was penned by Battlestar Galactica's Ronald D. Moore.

People are outraged.

It cracks me up when someone hears about a project like this and rants about remakes. I even came across one gentleman who said he wished that instead of prequels, remakes, sequels and reboots, Hollywood would make original movies.

Dude, John Carpenter's "The Thing" *was* a remake. If he got his wish, one of the greatest horror movies of all time would never have been made.

This is why they have to hide genies in lamps.

Granted, it's probably going to suck. Something tells me "Tremors 4: The Legend Begins" is going to wind up being the better movie. But why take a stand against remakes using The Thing as your poster child? The Thing is a remake of Howard Hawks' "The Thing From Another World" (1951), which in turn was adapted from the John W. Campbell Jr. novella, "Who Goes There?" Needless to say, this is one of the worst movies I can think of to get all miffed about not having an original idea.

It's impossible for me to mention The Thing without linking to my good buddy Ridley's hilarious sketch, seen below.

Right click and save as to download.

Weekend Update

2010-01-02T01:51:00.000-08:00

Heya guys. Wooo! Dig that new year smell. I know I haven't been around lately, but I've been pretty busy with, you know, stuff.

I bought Torchlight during the recent hope-you-didn't-just-buy-this-for-$20 sale on Steam. $5 falls just under the price of a rental, which is exactly what I consider games on Steam--a nice, long rental.

So far, I really like it. Torchlight is a great little Diablo II clone.The graphics are clean and cartoony. It can run on old hardware, and the developers are keen enough to release low-texture packs and include a Netbook option in the graphics. I just may do a 5 Reasons I Bought Torchlight in the future, so I won't go on and on about how great it is. Instead, I'll complain: From the looks of things, this game is going to take place entirely underground, in various (nicely decorated) parts of the same dungeon, give or take. That means it clones everything about Diablo II except my favorite expansive outdoor locations--no rainy forests, sprawling deserts or treacherous jungles. Having always preferred wilderness exploration to crawling around in a dungeon, I find that more than a little disappointing. Still, $5 ain't bad, and while the game lacks a multiplayer component, at least they aren't talking about selling character skills as DRM, like the Diablo III team.

It even inspired me to go back and finish an old story I was wrote back in 2004 or 2005, based on Action/RPGs like Diablo.

Speaking of stories, The Dream Quest (my first short story collection) is due back from the printers any day now! Woo!

Aaaaand it just hit 2am, so I'm calling it a night.

Ho ho ho!

2009-12-24T10:56:00.001-08:00

Read My New Book For Free!

2009-11-28T21:39:00.000-08:00

For the next 23 hours and 20 minutes, you can read a full preview of my upcoming book, The Dream Quest: Dark Fantasy and Horror. This copy hasn't been proofread yet--or that is to say, I've proofread it, and a lot of good that'll do--so expect a typo or two, but don't let that stop you from getting through it. The upcoming softcover edition will be checked for typos and ready for the holidays.

(Please Don't) Hit the Bitch!

2009-11-24T11:15:00.000-08:00

Rock, Paper, Shotgun reported on a bizarre Danish public service announcement web game designed to fight domestic abuse (no doubt because domestic abuse let its dinner get cold).

Hit The Bitch! (I wish I was making that up) is an interactive, full motion video experience that easily rivals all the first-person domestic abuse films out of Hollywood. In the game, a pretty brunette gets in an argument with her Danish "gangsta" boyfriend. The playa--and player--is then encouraged to slap her around for twenty minutes.

This is upsetting on so many levels. There are "gangstas" in Denmark? That's the problem with Globalization. Awful fads spread unchecked, and before you know it there's a global pandemic of Danish G-dawgs and Texan CHAVs.

Believe it or not, it's actually worse than it looks. While the ker-pows and floating Doom Guy hand may seem comical at first, a user on The Escapist forums posted this translation of the dialog:

I guess it helps to be able to speak Danish, so here's a little help.

The game starts with the girl supposedly coming out from a party, some music in the background.
She tells that she's had the time of her life talking and dancing with a bunch of people.
Silence as if the player is saying something.
She gets upset and says that you can't dictate who she wants to dance with.
First hit.
She calls you weak and a loser.
Second hit.
She continues calling you a bastard with a small d*** and so on.
More hits. At one time she said "the only time you feel like a man is when you're taking me from behind while I scream "No"".
Game ends and a Danish rapper (can't figure out which) says you're an idiot and you should get help and 2 links pop up directing you to some counceling sites.

Yeah, we should get counseling. Not the evil mastermind who made this first person violent rapist domestic abuse simulator--the players who are ordered to beat their digital girlfriends. That's like Jigsaw making you gnaw through your own head, then frowning and handing you a couple of anti-self-mutilation pamphlets.

I don't just object to this game as a man and human being, I object to it as a gamer. The controls are horrible. You'd think a game entirely based around pimp slapping would actually let you pimp slap, but no, a sweeping backhand across the actresses progressively damaged face does nothing. Instead you have to wiggle the hand back and forth right in front of her nose, as if waving away the stink of a fart (or an especially tasteless web game). The lifebar a takes forever to whittle away, and as I sat there, waiting for the 'game' to end, it occurred to me that a much better idea would have been a web game designed to show women how to escape from abusive relationships, rather than, you know, just standing there and getting slapped around for twenty minutes. Run, girl!

Besides, it's not like the kind of baggy-pants d-bags who actually beat their girlfriends are going to change their ways after playing this. And the worst thing about this? You know that someone, somewhere, is getting off on it.

I believe Joshua from the RPS comments said it best:

A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

Nevertheless, you probably want to check it out for yourself. There was so much outrage/morbid curiosity traffic that they're now blocking for all non-Danes. Luckily, there's a mirror of the game here. (Edit: Googleshng reminded me about the original pimp slapping game, Rose&Camellia, which is less pretentious and offensive, focused more on the "elegant art of feminine conflict.")

I think I speak for everyone when I say, I hope the people behind this campaign don't take a stand against inappropriate touching.

Curses!

2009-11-01T11:56:00.000-08:00

My bad. The project turned out taking a lot longer than I thought it would, hence the lack of Halloween treats. It might wind up taking a couple more weeks, but you guys will get your loot.

Halloween Specials

2009-10-29T12:43:00.000-07:00

Greetings, Children of the Night! Or in this post-Twilight world, whatever Zombie, Werewolf, or Gill Man greeting you prefer.

I just updated my Favorite Spooky Videogame Lookalikes.

Also, there's a big surprise for you all on Halloween. Huge. Let me put it this way: it's not just going to fill your candy bags, it's going to rip the seams. So pull yourself out of the apple basin long enough check back here on October 31st, or you'll be sadder than a Trick-or-Treater with a bag full of pennies stuck to bran muffin.

A master what now?

2009-10-25T01:21:00.001-07:00

Either I'm up too late, or this description makes absolutely no sense:

"FBI Agent Peter Burke teams up with a most unlikely partner to catch him: a master criminal."

An FBI agent teams up with a master criminal to catch himself?

I don't get it.

Maybe someone can watch the White Collar pilot and tell me what the hell it's about. I mean other than some made-for-television Silence of the Lambs ripoff.

Edit: While digging around for that link, I came across this:

When the trail of elusive criminal "The Dutchman" deadends, FBI Agent Peter Burke teams up with a most unlikely partner to catch him; the imprisoned Neal Caffrey: master criminal, con man extraordinaire and Peter's most accomplished collar.

Okay, so that actually makes sense. It's just the first description that's horribly truncated beyond any meaning.

You too can be a writer for Hulu! Just drop random words until you're left with six or seven that might get people to watch the show. For instance, this:

When the trail of elusive criminal "The Dutchman" deadends, FBI Agent Peter Burke teams up with a most unlikely partner to catch him; the imprisoned Neal Caffrey: master criminal, con man extraordinaire and Peter's most accomplished collar.

Becomes this:

Dutchman deadends with a catch; imprisoned con man's accomplished collar.

It's that easy!

Zombieland Controversy

2009-10-20T22:30:00.001-07:00

I really liked Zombieland, the zomedy starring Woody Harrelson and that kid who can't stop making movies set in a carnival. I don't want to say too much about it, other than it was thoroughly enjoyable.

One thing I'll spoil is the title sequence, a slow motion sideshow chronicling the zombie outbreak, set to Metallica's "For Whom the Bell Tolls." It perfectly sets the tone of the movie: funny and gruesome. But not everyone liked it.

See, there's a topless zombie stripper, chasing after a guy with a handful of twenties. This IMDB commenter was not a fan.

The camera zooms in on her in "slow motion" as her breasts move dramatically up and down? jeez, how pathetic and objectifying is that? do people really think all the female viewers like this? obviously the men do I'm guessing. but its just pathetic. its like... a horror movie..."OH! wait, we gotta throw in the naked woman scene" gotta see some tits or its just not a movie. short scene but just over the top objectifying and insulting. why dont they throw in a man running and then zoom in slow motion on his meat and 2 veg as it "dramatically flops up and down"...? fair is fair right? or can we just not get through any movie without seeing a set of jiggling hooters....I love how american films have such high standards and respect NOT

Yeesh, where to begin?

I'll never understand why people compare a woman's breasts to a man's penis. They're two totally different things. Besides, it misses the obvious: Men have boobs! They're just late bloomers. And Hollywood movies are full of manboobs. They might belong to a big fat guy -- the man running from the stripper has a bigger chest than she does -- or a bodybuilder with bloated, well-oiled pectorials. Either way, there's a hell of a lot more shirtless men in Hollywood movies these days than shirtless women.

Just ask Matthew McConaughey, who likes to flash his C-cups in PG-rated movies.

Zombieland is a movie where people take huge bleeding bites out of each other and women are bashed in the head with toilet lids, but yeah, I guess there was this one zombie who forgot to put on her shirt, so: outrage!

Let's take a look at that last line again:

I love how american films have such high standards and respect NOT

I don't get it. It's like she just trails off at the end without finishing her thought. She loves our high standards and respect, but what was she going to say after "NOT"?

Dear God... what if she was attacked by a zombie?

Weird Idle Hands DVD Art

2009-10-18T18:56:00.001-07:00

Idle Hands is one of my all time favorite horror films. More than that, it's one of my favorites to watch on Halloween. There's a trick to selecting a good Halloween flick, one I may reveal if I have the time, but for now, Idle Hands:

Idle Hands' DVD art is the same as the VHS art, which I always think is a good thing. As much as I appreciate the new Monster Edition of The Gate, its DVD art makes it look like a kids film (VHS cover here). And kids, I speak with first hand experience: Don't !@#$ing watch The Gate! It will mess you up so bad.

For some reason, bad art on DVD re-releases is pretty common, especially when it comes to horror. See Night of the Creeps (original VHS art here). The Blu-ray art is even worse. Sure, the original looks a little cheesy. Almost like some kind of zombie prom movie... maybe because that's what this movie was about. The VHS art is from the most memorable scene in the movie, when Tom Atkins utters the immortal quote:

"I got good news and bad news girls. Good news is your date's are here."

"And what's the bad news?"

"They're dead."

While poking around Amazon, I also came across a Region 2 copy of Idle Hands, titled Die Killerhand.

I like the whole "Monster Squad" vibe, with the heroes doing their cool-guy walk, but did you notice how they just photoshopped the hand to make it look like a zombie? It's so cheesy. The hand never looked anything like that in the movie, it was either normal-evil or burned-to-a-crisp-evil. Never zombie-evil.

And check out La Main qui tue! This time most of the art is normal, but what did they do to the hand? It looks like the goofy claymation cartoon the evil hand watched as a gag. Look how they have "Seth Green (Austin Powers)" right there on the cover. Now that guy is Scotty-evil. And Scotty Evil fans won't be disappointed, he's a hilarious presence through most of the movie.

So yeah, if you haven't seen Idle Hands yet, for goodness sake, rent it.

Speaking of idle hands, mine have been anything but. I finished three stories since the last time I talked about my upcoming book. Tell ya more about it real soon.

Tetsuya Nomura: Inside the Mind of a Genius

2009-10-07T12:36:00.000-07:00

Hope I don't get belted for this one.

Brothers

2009-09-29T17:41:00.000-07:00

There's a new sitcom aimed at black audiences called -- get this -- Brothers. It's like a bad Family Guy joke.

"Coming this fall on ABC... Jive Turkeys."

Okay, so it sounds awful. Could it get any worse? Yes. According to Bitten & Bound, a sleazy-sounding news site, Kim Kardashian is going to guest star on Brothers. That's right, Kim Kardashian of Keeping Up with the Kardashians. And I'm not putting that in italics because it's the title of a show, I'm doing it to emphasize the fact that you must run, run as far as you can, and for the love of God, don't look back.

Maybe they should just farm shows with tightly focused demographics out to Channel 4, who were able come up with a sitcom about IT Professionals and managed to make it enjoyable for couch potatoes and people who rarely leave their computers (or COM-puters as our British friends say).

Movie Review: Surrogates (2009)

2009-09-27T11:32:00.000-07:00

I just saw Surrogates (2009), the new Bruce Willis Sci-Fi movie about a future where most people live their lives vicariously through android "surrogates." The virtual-reality sim-chairs had me set for a throwback to 80s Cyberpunk. Unfortunately, as far as killer android murder mysteries go, this was far more I, Robot than Blade Runner.

Bruce Willis stars as Greer, an FBI agent sent to investigate the mysterious destruction of two partying surrogates. Both "surries" were found in a back alley with their eyes burnt out. One of the victims was the son of Dr. Canter, the co-inventor of the androids, who was forced out of the company, sort of a next-gen Steve Wozniak. Greer tracks the other surrogate, a sexy blonde girl, back to her apartment, and is shocked to discover that, 1) The human operator is also dead, and 2) she was really a big fat guy.

Bruce Willis in: VR5, the Movie.

Surrogates are supposed to be 100% safe -- that's the whole point. Operators send them hurtling out of planes, getting all EXTREME! without risking any bodily harm to themselves. But the supposed safety is just one of the reason Surrogates are so cool.

In the opening credits, the story is set up through fake news clips, each more unbelievable than the last. First they announce that within eight years -- the film takes place in 2017 --- 98% of the world's population will use surrogates. Really? 98%? Do 98% of the world's population even use computers? How about cars? I can buy that sort of deep consumer saturation with America or Japan, but the entire world? It gets worse from there: The almost universal use of surrogates supposedly stamped out social disease (makes sense), violence (er...), murder (wait a minute!) and -- get this -- racism. Are you kidding me? Racism? How's that supposed to work? Everyone hops in a surrogate and suddenly Hebroids are hugging on Neo-Botzis?

If you think that's hard to swallow, wait until you hear what happened to the 2% who don't use surries: Called Dreads and herded into "reservations" throughout the US, they're lead by a cult leader named The Prophet, played by Ving Rhames... in a fake-looking beard and dreadlocks.

Yes, the Dreads are lead by a guy who has dreadlocks.

It's that kind of movie.

Willis tracks the assassin to the outskirts of a Dread reservation. As five cops close in on him, the assassin busts out a hand-held proton pack and fries both them and their human operators, Black Ice-style, but Willis narrowly escapes by jacking out just in time. I loved bits like this, the more TekWar the better. Bruce Willis (or at least his blond haired, prettyboy surrogate, whose skin is smoothed with CGI) chases the assassin into one of The Prophet's "Dread Zones," a reservation made up mostly of rubble, dust and empty shipping containers. This is easily the highlight of the movie, as Bruce Willis leaps twenty feet in the air and navigates the blocky terrain, it reminded me of a Mario 64 level, Wacky Wacky Robots or something.

Unfortunately cops aren't allowed on reservations, and an angry mob gathers 'round to shotgun the "abomination." With the weapon now in the hands of the Dreads, the surrogate companies denying that such a weapon is possible, and his damaged surrogate confiscated by the police, Bruce Willis is forced to crawl into the real world, bald-headed and scruffy as hell, in order to solve the crime, save the world, and maybe patch up his marriage.

"I'm a cop with a dark past, troubled marriage, and I've been forced to hand in my badge. BUT, I'm also a robot."

Surrogates is a fairly entertaining movie. I was rarely bored, unless Willis was getting all dramatic with his Cop Wife (Maggie, why are cop wives always named Maggie?), moping about their Dark Cop Past. At least it leads to the scene where Willis returns home to find his surrogate wife and some sleazy friends using a bong-like electronic drug to get "juiced." Engraged that his wife is too busy stealing jokes from Futurama to come out of her stim-chair and mourn the loss of their son, Bruce "Meatbag" Willis goes ape spit like Toki on one of the sleazy surries and beats the guy's face until the synthetic skin peels away. The surrogates find this hysterical, especially the guy getting punched, and all Bruce has to show for it is a hand full of bloody knuckles.

It's too bad this is a movie that seems to do its best not to let you actually enjoy it. The setup is far too moronic for this to be an "intelligent" science fiction movie like Gattica, and yet there are only two action scenes in the entire film -- the rest is slow paced investigation and the aforementioned Mopey Cop Backstory. Who exactly is this movie for? People who don't like a lot of action or good storylines?

For those worried about spoilers, consider this the end of the review. If you don't give a crap, read on for my main problem with this movie:

SPOILERS AHOY!

Surrogates has one of the biggest Sci-Fi cliches in recent history, an annoying trope I first noticed with Minority Report that has popped up in countless movies since. In the opening credits, they briefly show the good Dr. who invented surrogates, played by the farmer from Babe. The clip was labeled "15 years Ago" and I breathed a sigh of relief. He's old; he's got to be dead by 2017, right? Hopefully it meant that, unlike Minority Report and too many recent Sci-Fi movies to name, the villain won't turn out to be the oldest male on the cast, inventor of the technology and all around bad guy. You can imagine my pain when I saw ol' Babe Farmer alive, healthy, sobbing over his son's death, and in my mind, 100% guaranteed to be the film's bad guy. Sure enough, by the end of the movie, he's about to kill all but 2% of the world and Willis is trying to talk him out of it. Seriously, this cliche has got to stop. Any time there's a Sci-Fi mystery, it's simply a matter of finding the oldest science dude on the cast and pointing a finger at him.

Why spoil the end of a movie in the trailer? In the words of Fry: "Because clever things make people feel stupid, and unexpected things make them feel scared."

Of course, the people advertising this movie did a lot better job spoiling it than me, showing Bruce Willis walking through a dead world of deactivated Surrogates in the freaking preview trailers months ago. A scene that takes place roughly two seconds before the end credits. Luckily, the movie so thoroughly annoyed me on so many levels that by the end, I'd totally forgotten about it.

Top Ten: The New Gaming Cliches

2009-09-25T22:22:00.000-07:00

Joystick Division has a list of New Gaming Cliches.

Hmm, now where have I seen that Bald Space Marine collage before? Funny thing is, they didn't even catch that one of the "space marines" was actually Jack from Lost. Poor Matthew Fox, he's so devoid of personality people easily mistake him for a modern FPS hero.

I feel like a map maker who invents a fake town to catch people stealing his maps.

Update: The swank article has been updated by "Anton" who credited and linked to my website.

Trollspotting

2009-09-06T14:38:00.000-07:00

I like IMDb. Being able to discuss a movie, no matter how obscure, is always fun. Normally, it's a great place to be (well, compared to Gamefaqs' forums). But now and then, you realize you've wandered into Troll Country:

Concerning a Korean film, one guy -- we'll call him L.A. -- said:

I'm not familiar with which awards are major and which aren't. But I think Asian awards aren't that major.

To which another fellow, we'll call him L.N. replied:

It won the Grand Jury Prize at the Cannes Film Festival, which is quite a major honor. As for your "Asian awards aren't that major" comment, it not only smacks of ignorance, it also comes off as you being an "ugly American" who only thinks the U.S. is of importance in the world. But if you don't like the film due to the ending, that's your right. My point was that you are very much in the minority.

An ugly American? Zooks!

L.A. quickly set the record straight:

Easy mate. Don't need to go on an attack. Besides, you're laughable. I'm not American and I can honestly say I'm not a fan of studio pictures either - except if they were of Scorsese's.

At which point I had to chime in:

He's not familiar with Asian movie awards so you instantly assume he's an "ugly American"?

Mmm, positively smacks of ignorance.

Ignorance smacks are ALMOST as good as Honey Smacks.

At this point, L.N. pretty much pulls off the human mask and reveals the snarling troll beneath:

No, you need to learn better reading comprehension skills. The guy said Asian awards aren't THAT major, which is a declarative statement. He's not saying he's not familiar with Asian movie awards, he's saying they are of little significance. Guess what, that CAN be taken as being an "ugly American" since he is American in the first place.

Emphasis added. Here's what I had to say:

Oh my god, you're the funniest troll I met all day.

Better comprehension skills? Sounds like something you need to look into, since L.A. clearly said, "I'm not American."

Here, I'll put it in bold for you:

"I'm not American."
- L.A.

In Summary, you ignorantly assume someone is an "ugly American" and accuse them of "ignorance." When they correct you and say they aren't American, you somehow fail to comprehend and then try to make fun of my comprehension skills.

Can someone actually be this thick?

What will happen next? Stay tuned next week!

The #1 Cure for Fanboy Rage

2009-08-31T19:05:00.000-07:00

The #1 cure for fanboy rage is precedent.

Whenever there's a sequel, remake or spinoff of a beloved series, fanboys will inevitably spot some element they feel is completely foreign to the series and loudly complain. It could be a character personality trait, costume design or weird backstory which they feel simply does not fit in with their beloved series.

The funny thing is, more often than not, this foreign concept has been there since the beginning.

Dissing Dissidia: Final Fantasy

When I caught sight of Kefka in the new Final Fantasy fighting game, I was pretty disgusted. Now, Kefka's always rivaled The Joker for the "Clown Prince of Chaos," but never quite so literally as this. He didn't look anything like the maniacally laughing in-game version of himself. (Pixel Kefka had regular flesh tones and wore mostly green and red.)

Hell, this new design was even more outrageous than the FMV they made for the Final Fantasy VI re-release. For cryin' out loud, he looks like a walking, anthropomorphic version of Stewie's hat.

Where the hell did they get this godawful design from?

Amano's original concept art, apparantly.

Diablo 3's Monk Class

The recently announced Monk class in Diablo 3 is a perfect example of misdirected fanboy rage. I've heard complaints that an Asian style monk simply does not belong in a Diablo game and that that the monk is "only there to appease World of Warcraft fans."

The only problem is that Monks have been around since Hellfire, the Diablo 1 expansion released way back in 1997. That's right, they're bringing back a class that predates World of Warcraft by 7 years... just to appease the WoW fans.

Now, I've never played World of Warcraft. So for all I know, their Monks are huge bearded fellows with bald heads, big clubs and bad combat animations. But here's a description the Hellfire monk:

The Monk is extremely skilled in hand-to-hand combat, and is a master of the staff,
which he can use to strike many opponents with a single blow. However, he is not
well trained with bladed or projectile weapons, and is not used to wearing heavy armor. - Diablo: Hellfire Tomb of Knowledge

Sound like anyone we know?

Hellfire was developed for Sierra by Synergistic Software. It's not Blizzard's baby, more like their chubby little niece with weird eyes we're not supposed to talk about. But whether or not Hellfire was released in the Diablo Battle chest (it wasn't), someone at Blizzard obviously liked the Monk character class enough to bring it back.

The whole, "Asian monks don't belong in Diablo" thing reminds me of a scene from Gamers: Dorkness Rising.

Player: "I'm playing a monk."
Dungeon Master: "What's he going to do, copy manuscripts?"
Player: "Think Kung Fu monk, Grasshopper."
DM: "No. I based my world on a fantasied Western medieval period. There are no Kung Fu monks in Western Europe."
Player: "I'm asking to play a basic character class and you're blocking me!"
DM: "Fine. You can play a monk. But he's got to fit the world. He's got to be a Western monk. Bzzt! [Motions like he's shaving the back of his head.] Occidental."

And naturally, the player jumps out looking like this:

The only difference is, here it's the game master arguing against Monks, while in Diablo 3, we've got the players complaining that Monks "don't fit" the world.

The Antidote

The next time some fanboy complains that Sulu wields a sword in the new Star Trek movie (like he did in the original series) or that Indiana Jones survives an unbelievable fall in an inflatable raft in Crystal Skull (like he did back in Temple of Doom), just tell them to look it up. Chances are, it's anything but unprecedented.

Level Up on Hiatus

2009-08-30T13:44:00.000-07:00

Due to reasons entirely beyond my control, I'll no longer be able to do Level Up RPG Podcast anymore. For the record, this has NOTHING to do with Jake or any of the Level Up guest hosts -- they're all champs. I'd like to work with them again in the future, though it will have to be a different medium.

I have no idea where things will go from here, but will let you know as soon as I find out.

I'm sorry, guys.

Zeupdate

2009-07-26T23:16:00.000-07:00

I'm alive, working on my book, and quite well. For those of you tracking me through the internet, as opposed to the bushes outside my house, here's what I've been up to:

Writing a story about monsters. Hopefully I'll capture the cold-sweat terrors of my childhood, when horror films kept me up half the night on watch for miniature homunculi.
Playing Total Extreme Wrestling 2005. It's a "Bidness thimulation," as Dusty Rhodes would say. The player is tasked with running a pro-wrestling federation.
Watching Cinematic Titanic's "Legacy of Blood," a movie so vile and visibly smelly it easily rivals Manos: The Hands of Fate in terms of sleaze. Bonus points: A henchman named Igor.
Reading "Beyond the Moons", an old D&D novel by Dave Cook. It opens with a Spelljammer ship crashing into a simple Dragonlance farmer's home. Star Wars ensues.
Typing this -- right now! And now I'm hitting publish!

New Level Up RPG Podcast!

2009-07-05T14:10:00.001-07:00

Episode 07 - Bethesda Softworks

Good stuff. Me and Jake basically gab about how much sweeter Oblivion is than Fallout 3. Well, that's not how he puts it, exactly, but we agree that Oblivion's "hands off" approach to the main mission is preferable to Fallout 3's "find your Daddy" plot. It's Shenmue syndrome all over again.

But then again, I haven't even played Fallout 3 yet. First I have to beat Oblivion, then ride the train over to Bioware town and play Mass Effect.

Anyone notice how all the Xbox 360 RPGs are from major American companies? Bethesda, Bioware, Square Enix (okay, they're Japanese, but still HUGE), Microsoft. Until Final Fantasy VI, roleplaying games were never about having the best graphics. But these days, unless your hat is made of money, you can forget about making a next-gen RPG.