From the Brow of Zeus

Rockstar has ushered in a new low in the era of pre-order bonuses (one-use keycodes which unlock in-game goodies for the original customer, but cannot be transferred to a new owner's account). Pre-order bonuses have become a standard, and while it sucks knowing you'll never get the cool fire sword or skullgun if you buy used--that's the whole point. People who pay more at Gamestop instead of the secondhand market are rewarded.

Until now, that is. Gamestop customers who pre-order Red Dead Redemption, Rockstar's new "Wild West GTA" game, receive one of three outfits: The Savvy Merchant, The Deadly Assassin, or The Expert Hunter; each with its own special ability.

This is a great idea. Gamestop waves three potential rewards under my nose and then only has give me one of them. I'm thrilled, because it's hard for me to truly enjoy a game unless I'm overwhelmed by a crippling feeling of incompleteness.

Even better, customers don't get to pick which bonus costume they receive. There's a poll to determine that.

In what nightmare Twilight Zone scenario is it okay for strangers to vote on your clothes? This isn't a reality show, I haven't signed away my rights to a leering Brit with moobs, a tight t-shirt and bad haircut. No, this is how Rockstar "rewards" loyal customers who plunk down $60 (even when they know it's going to hit $40 on Amazon in a couple of days).

Now, I know what you're saying. "Please stop yelling at me about cowboys." And you're right. You'd also be right if you thought: "Big deal, the Deadly Assassin is going to win, and he's the coolest, right?"

Of course Deadly Assassin's going to win, how couldn't he? He's got an eyepatch and trench coat, he's dressed all in black. The only thing missing is a double-scar down the side of his --

Aw crap. This isn't democracy, it's equivocation--your classic Magician's Choice. "Power to the Players"? They loaded this guy so full of Dudebro, the only way they could make it more obvious that they want him to win is if they accidentally let it slip that "Deadly Assassin" is ready to go, poll results be damned.

Sure, I thought Deadly Assassin was cool. I can't not think he's cool. But I decided on the Hunter instead. Lame as his coonskin cap may be, the ability is far more unique ("Receives double the amount of skins and hides from hunting," as opposed to "Regenerates Dead Eye targeting twice as fast."), and in his wallpaper, he's fighting a grizzly bear with a Bowie knife. That is the manliest activity known to man. It'd even put hair on Matt Lucas' chest. Alas, The Expert Hunter doesn't stand a snowball's chance in Death Valley.

Adding insult to injury, the poll is open to everyone, not just customers who pre-order, but anyone with an internet connection and a little free time.

• Kids too young to play an M-rated title get to vote.
• Anyone too poor to pre-order gets to vote.
• People who are genuinely ticked off by this !@#$tease contest get to vote and mess things up for suckers who willingly spend real money on fake clothes that they don't even get to pick.

Who could possibly benefit from this? Customers have an obvious choice between $60 pre-orders for one of three costumes and $20 used none of three costumes. I doubt it's saving the Rockstar developers any work; the art team obviously rendered all three costumes, as evidenced by the promo shots, wallpapers, and sixty second trailer.

If this is all some misguided attempt to generate even more pre-orders, all I can say is this: there's no way in hell I'm not buying this thing used.

As much as corporations love making money by selling video games, they hate the public's legal right to sell their video games used. They would much rather we be stuck with our Superman 64's and Jackass: The Game's, bound to them forever as if we had had the misfortune to lift a cursed sword from a blackened swamp.

Anyone ever notice how close corporate law are to the every whim of a mad warlock? Take small print: "We can do bad things to you because you didn't read the text that was small to read." Or the time I opened Grand Theft Auto: San Andreas and saw a piece of paper informing me I had 'agreed' not to resell it on eBay: "You gave up your rights when you opened the box, just like it says on the inside of the box."

I give it ten months before Wallmart claims droit de seigneur.

Labels: videogames

Ausir has information on an unreleased Interplay game called Fallout Extreme.

Fallout Extreme was a canceled squad-based first- and third-person tactical game for the Xbox, using the Unreal Engine and developed by Interplay's 14 Degrees East division (co-developers of Fallout Tactics). It was in development for a several months in 2000, but didn't really have a concrete development team and never made it out of concept. After it was canceled, Interplay's next attempt at making a console version of Fallout was Fallout: Brotherhood of Steel, this time for both the Xbox and PS2.

He may know the secret history, but this is the only place you'll find this exclusive Fallout Extreme image below:

Now we know what the vent on the top of his head is for.

Labels: videogames

When I was 8 or 9, I really wanted an NES (just like everyone else), but instead of getting one, we got a Sega Master System. We grumbled a little, but it did come with three free games. The first two were combined in one cart: Hang On, a motorcycle racing game that was pretty neat, and Astro Warrior, a vertical shump with music that, to this day, brings back memories of clamping my mitts around a SMS pad and playing as best I could despite freezing mountain town temperatures.

The third game was a mail-in special, which you got as a reward for buying Sega: Double Dragon.

Double Dragon was the first arcade game I ever saw that had a line of people waiting to play it. I'll never forget the day I walked into Scandia and saw four or five people actually waiting to play an arcade game. Not just one or two guys popping quarters on the machine to hold their place--a right British queue.

"Why the heck are they waiting?" I wondered. "This arcade is huge, there's tons of games, go play them!"

Then I got a taste of Double Dragon and I knew it was worth standing in line for. Just like it was worth getting a Sega instead of a Nintendo.

See, the NES version of Double Dragon is compromised. There's no two player simultaneous mode--the fighting minigame really isn't worth mentioning--which means one of the best two-player co-op games at the time was whittled down to alternating multiplayer. This had a huge impact on the game, because not only did it mean waiting to take turns with my brother, it ruined my favorite end-game twist of all time.

Anyone remember beating Double Dragon at the arcade for the first time? Me and my brother did it. My little brother, really, because by the time the credits rolled, I was already dead. See, D.D. is your standard blue jeans 80s revenge movie boiled down into a simple quest to save the girl, but after punching your way through cities and forests and finally getting to the Shadow Warrior's lair, the game suddenly pits both players against each other in a fight to the death. This is insane, because whoever loses is basically branded the surprise twist villain, and the other guy saves the girl and gets the happy ending.

I didn't get the girl. My little brother did. I fell off a friggin' pit at the bottom of the screen and lost my last life.

Of course, the NES Double Dragon lacks all of this. There's no, "No way!" moment where you suddenly have to box your friend over a pit of death. You just fight yet more baddies until the end of the game.

The Sega Double Dragon was different. It was the first really good arcade port I ever played. (Atari 2600 Pac-Man... was not great.) I played the hell out of D.D., and sometimes my brother won, and sometimes I did, but either way, on the way to the Shadow Warrior's lair, it was fun as hell.

We eventually did get an NES, rented the hell out of Batman and Super Mario Bros. 2. We loved it, having known all along that SMS was second fiddle to NES. We even rented Double Dragon a lot, just out of morbid curiosity. But it just wasn't the same, and in the end, we always went back to Sega's Double Dragon.

The movie is pretty cool, too. But that's a story for another time.

Images from MobyGames.

Labels: videogames

Rock, Paper, Shotgun reported on a bizarre Danish public service announcement web game designed to fight domestic abuse (no doubt because domestic abuse let its dinner get cold).

Hit The Bitch! (I wish I was making that up) is an interactive, full motion video experience that easily rivals all the first-person domestic abuse films out of Hollywood. In the game, a pretty brunette gets in an argument with her Danish "gangsta" boyfriend. The playa--and player--is then encouraged to slap her around for twenty minutes.



This is upsetting on so many levels. There are "gangstas" in Denmark? That's the problem with Globalization. Awful fads spread unchecked, and before you know it there's a global pandemic of Danish G-dawgs and Texan CHAVs.

Believe it or not, it's actually worse than it looks. While the ker-pows and floating Doom Guy hand may seem comical at first, a user on The Escapist forums posted this translation of the dialog:

I guess it helps to be able to speak Danish, so here's a little help.

The game starts with the girl supposedly coming out from a party, some music in the background.
She tells that she's had the time of her life talking and dancing with a bunch of people.
Silence as if the player is saying something.
She gets upset and says that you can't dictate who she wants to dance with.
First hit.
She calls you weak and a loser.
Second hit.
She continues calling you a bastard with a small d*** and so on.
More hits. At one time she said "the only time you feel like a man is when you're taking me from behind while I scream "No"".
Game ends and a Danish rapper (can't figure out which) says you're an idiot and you should get help and 2 links pop up directing you to some counceling sites.

Yeah, we should get counseling. Not the evil mastermind who made this first person violent rapist domestic abuse simulator--the players who are ordered to beat their digital girlfriends. That's like Jigsaw making you gnaw through your own head, then frowning and handing you a couple of anti-self-mutilation pamphlets.

I don't just object to this game as a man and human being, I object to it as a gamer. The controls are horrible. You'd think a game entirely based around pimp slapping would actually let you pimp slap, but no, a sweeping backhand across the actresses progressively damaged face does nothing. Instead you have to wiggle the hand back and forth right in front of her nose, as if waving away the stink of a fart (or an especially tasteless web game). The lifebar a takes forever to whittle away, and as I sat there, waiting for the 'game' to end, it occurred to me that a much better idea would have been a web game designed to show women how to escape from abusive relationships, rather than, you know, just standing there and getting slapped around for twenty minutes. Run, girl!

Besides, it's not like the kind of baggy-pants d-bags who actually beat their girlfriends are going to change their ways after playing this. And the worst thing about this? You know that someone, somewhere, is getting off on it.

I believe Joshua from the RPS comments said it best:

A strange game. The only winning move is not to play.

Nevertheless, you probably want to check it out for yourself. There was so much outrage/morbid curiosity traffic that they're now blocking for all non-Danes. Luckily, there's a mirror of the game here. (Edit: Googleshng reminded me about the original pimp slapping game, Rose&Camellia, which is less pretentious and offensive, focused more on the "elegant art of feminine conflict.")

I think I speak for everyone when I say, I hope the people behind this campaign don't take a stand against inappropriate touching.

Labels: videogames

Hope I don't get belted for this one.

Labels: videogames

Joystick Division has a list of New Gaming Cliches.

Hmm, now where have I seen that Bald Space Marine collage before? Funny thing is, they didn't even catch that one of the "space marines" was actually Jack from Lost. Poor Matthew Fox, he's so devoid of personality people easily mistake him for a modern FPS hero.

I feel like a map maker who invents a fake town to catch people stealing his maps.

Update: The swank article has been updated by "Anton" who credited and linked to my website.

Labels: videogames

The #1 cure for fanboy rage is precedent.

Whenever there's a sequel, remake or spinoff of a beloved series, fanboys will inevitably spot some element they feel is completely foreign to the series and loudly complain. It could be a character personality trait, costume design or weird backstory which they feel simply does not fit in with their beloved series.

The funny thing is, more often than not, this foreign concept has been there since the beginning.

Dissing Dissidia: Final Fantasy

When I caught sight of Kefka in the new Final Fantasy fighting game, I was pretty disgusted. Now, Kefka's always rivaled The Joker for the "Clown Prince of Chaos," but never quite so literally as this. He didn't look anything like the maniacally laughing in-game version of himself. (Pixel Kefka had regular flesh tones and wore mostly green and red.)

Hell, this new design was even more outrageous than the FMV they made for the Final Fantasy VI re-release. For cryin' out loud, he looks like a walking, anthropomorphic version of Stewie's hat.

Where the hell did they get this godawful design from?

Amano's original concept art, apparantly.

Diablo 3's Monk Class

The recently announced Monk class in Diablo 3 is a perfect example of misdirected fanboy rage. I've heard complaints that an Asian style monk simply does not belong in a Diablo game and that that the monk is "only there to appease World of Warcraft fans."

The only problem is that Monks have been around since Hellfire, the Diablo 1 expansion released way back in 1997. That's right, they're bringing back a class that predates World of Warcraft by 7 years... just to appease the WoW fans.

Now, I've never played World of Warcraft. So for all I know, their Monks are huge bearded fellows with bald heads, big clubs and bad combat animations. But here's a description the Hellfire monk:

The Monk is extremely skilled in hand-to-hand combat, and is a master of the staff,
which he can use to strike many opponents with a single blow. However, he is not
well trained with bladed or projectile weapons, and is not used to wearing heavy armor. - Diablo: Hellfire Tomb of Knowledge

Sound like anyone we know?


Hellfire was developed for Sierra by Synergistic Software. It's not Blizzard's baby, more like their chubby little niece with weird eyes we're not supposed to talk about. But whether or not Hellfire was released in the Diablo Battle chest (it wasn't), someone at Blizzard obviously liked the Monk character class enough to bring it back.


The whole, "Asian monks don't belong in Diablo" thing reminds me of a scene from Gamers: Dorkness Rising.

Player: "I'm playing a monk."
Dungeon Master: "What's he going to do, copy manuscripts?"
Player: "Think Kung Fu monk, Grasshopper."
DM: "No. I based my world on a fantasied Western medieval period. There are no Kung Fu monks in Western Europe."
Player: "I'm asking to play a basic character class and you're blocking me!"
DM: "Fine. You can play a monk. But he's got to fit the world. He's got to be a Western monk. Bzzt! [Motions like he's shaving the back of his head.] Occidental."

And naturally, the player jumps out looking like this:



The only difference is, here it's the game master arguing against Monks, while in Diablo 3, we've got the players complaining that Monks "don't fit" the world.

The Antidote

The next time some fanboy complains that Sulu wields a sword in the new Star Trek movie (like he did in the original series) or that Indiana Jones survives an unbelievable fall in an inflatable raft in Crystal Skull (like he did back in Temple of Doom), just tell them to look it up. Chances are, it's anything but unprecedented.

Labels: videogames

Due to reasons entirely beyond my control, I'll no longer be able to do Level Up RPG Podcast anymore. For the record, this has NOTHING to do with Jake or any of the Level Up guest hosts -- they're all champs. I'd like to work with them again in the future, though it will have to be a different medium.

I have no idea where things will go from here, but will let you know as soon as I find out.

I'm sorry, guys.

Labels: videogames

Episode 07 - Bethesda Softworks

Good stuff. Me and Jake basically gab about how much sweeter Oblivion is than Fallout 3. Well, that's not how he puts it, exactly, but we agree that Oblivion's "hands off" approach to the main mission is preferable to Fallout 3's "find your Daddy" plot. It's Shenmue syndrome all over again.

But then again, I haven't even played Fallout 3 yet. First I have to beat Oblivion, then ride the train over to Bioware town and play Mass Effect.

Anyone notice how all the Xbox 360 RPGs are from major American companies? Bethesda, Bioware, Square Enix (okay, they're Japanese, but still HUGE), Microsoft. Until Final Fantasy VI, roleplaying games were never about having the best graphics. But these days, unless your hat is made of money, you can forget about making a next-gen RPG.

Labels: videogames

To promote the new Ghostbusters game, they're giving away free Ghostbusters sound effects .wav files. There's a proton pack blast, a PKE meter, and two Marshmallow Man roars. Reminds me of 90s-era IRC, when everyone played their favorite/sound clips. I even had a Babylon 5 computer voice rigged up to my FTP program: "Transfer of data complete."

Oh man, I am such a nerd.

Labels: movies, videogames

There's a new Level Up - Video Game RPG Podcast online. This time it's about a subject dear to me: RPG Sidekicks. Yes, we cover all the delightful weirdos that have nothing better to do than find a brave young knight and his lady fair and then glom onto them for the rest of the game.

Episode 006: RPG Sidekicks
Warning: this is a we-hate-Yuffie zone. Yuffie fans, prepare your tear drop anime emoticons. ;_;

Labels: videogames

Level Up - The Weekly Video Game RPG Podcast has been updated. We discuss our favorite MMORPG moments (Googleshng loses his pants, while I was lured into the woods by a creepy foreigner), recommend MMORPGs for beginners, and talk about the games we would, in no way, recommend for anyone other than ironic consumers and digital masochists. (Not that they aren't all in Second Life, anyway.) Plus, Silkenray totally spoils Forumwarz, and it's all good. All that and more more more, in! Episode 004 – MMORPGs Part 2.

Labels: videogames

Hey, me and Googleshng started a video game RPG podcast when I wasn't even looking. In all the excitement, guess I forgot to mention it here.

Well, here I am, mentioning it:

Level Up - The Video Game RPG Podcast

Episode 001 is about the elements essential to RPGs. Any name for the topic is open to misinterpretation, from "Defining RPGs" (which could be taken as, yo dawg, we're DEFINING this shizzit) to "What is an RPG?" (which sounds like a question posted in alt.fan.final.fantasy around the launch of FF7), but we went with the latter.

And released just today, Episode 002 - PC vs. Console. It's not as controversial as some would like: There's no bareknuckle boxing, accusations of payola or insulting the other's ancestors. But I think, over all, we pretty much get it covered.

P.S. And yes, it is hard to get "Roleplaying game" and "Video game" in the title without sounding all redundant, but "Video Roleplaying Game" just doesn't have the same ring to it.

Labels: videogames

Poor Trent Reznor. Seems like just yesterday he was nailing monkeys to crucifixes. Now his cataracts are so thick he's resorting to things like Twitter and random Grand Theft Auto accusations.

Bands (including Nirvana) tripped over themselves editing out words, changing album art, etc to meet Wal-Mart's standards of decency - because Wal-Mart sells a lot of records. NIN refused, and you'll notice a pretty empty NIN section at any Wal-Mart. My reasoning was this: I can understand if you want the moral posturing of not having any "indecent" material for sale - but you could literally turn around 180 degrees from where the NIN record would be and purchase the film "Scarface" completely uncensored, or buy a copy of Grand Theft Auto where you can be rewarded for beating up prostitutes.

Yes, and if you play NIN backwards, you hear the devil.

Look, I'm not saying there's no monetary gain for beating up prostitutes in GTA, but just like in 1950s crime movies, no bad deed goes unpunished. If you get caught robbing a hooker of her hard earned GP, every cop in the area will be after you. It's not like some 360 achievement or PS3 trophy is unlocked.

In real life, if you beat up a prostitute, she might have some money on her. Is this a reward? God's way of telling you to kill prostitutes? Or is it just a fact of life, sort of like vengeful pimps and assault and robbery charges?

Crime in GTA has its risks and its rewards, and going around saying that GTA rewards you for beating up prostitutes is about as accurate as chanting, "Crime doesn't pay" or "Winners don't use drugs."

Labels: videogames

Labels: videogames

Rock, Paper Shotgun has a fun rant about locked doors in video games:

Locked door, I hate you.

I hate the way you are resistant to knives, to guns, to sledgehammers, to rocket-propelled grenades, to weapons that rewrite the very laws of physics, to dark unearthly magic, to punches that can knock a man’s head clean off.

...

I hate the way I’m expected to give up trying to open you when I see the words “this door has been locked from the other side” or “this door opens elsewhere”, as though they’re a command from God himself.

...

I hate the way you so often lead to nowhere, how you are nothing more than decoration for a wall.

Labels: videogames

Gamer's Discord just ran an article called Top 10 Games to Play When You're Bored.

Boredom. It can strike even the most hardcore gamer. It happens to the best of us - sitting on the couch, staring at the consoles and gaming pc, pondering which game to play. Shooter? Racing? MMO? Strategy? Whatever the choice, it’s got to be a good one, promising hours of entertainment and replay value.

It's an awkward premise -- games to play when you're bored, as opposed to, you know, when you're actively involved in something. But I think I get what he's saying. Sure-bet games that might have flown under the radar, solid titles that don't spring instantly into the mind of the average gamer.

Maybe I'll find some undiscovered gem I haven't heard about, that's been keeping other gamers entertained for years now. Right?

...wrong.

1. Left 4 Dead
2. Halo 3
3. Empire: Total War
4. Call of Duty 4: Modern Warfare
5. Killzone 2
6. World of Warcraft
7. Gears of War 2
8. Fallout 3
9. Warhawk
10. Burnout Paradise

Woah, really? World of Warcraft? I haven't heard of that one. Halo 3? What's that? Hey, Killzone 2, is that a game to play when I am bored?

Yes, they all have good replay value, but they're also completely mainstream. These are the games people are already playing. Where are the puzzle games? Like classic arcade titles, puzzle games are perfect for drop-in-and-out gameplay. They pass the time without getting you involved in a winding narrative. There's rarely a save system, so you don't worry about "making progress." Like a mugger dressed like a clown who just won the lotto, they're fun and they demand nothing from you.

Why isn't Tetris on the list? Tetris is cool. Show me a gamer who doesn't like the occasional game of Tetris and I'll show you a dirty android who just failed the Voigt-Kampff test.

It seems like he just took a list of the the best selling games or most popular games right now and ran with it. The only remote surprise is Warhawk, a PS3 release game that slipped under the radar due to janky Six-Axis controls.

He might as well have called this article, "Top 10 Games."

Labels: videogames

I'm really bothered by the washed out colors in Marvel Ultimate Alliance 2. The first game had characters as bright and vibrant as their comic counterparts, but the sequel's faded art design is downright ugly.

If you want to make a game look serious, simply washing out the colors isn't going to do the job. It's just as hard to take a six foot muscle bound "hero" dressed head to toe in ass-hugging red spandex seriously regardless of whether he's vibrant Daredevil or washed out Daredevil.

The faded costumes come off as self-conscious and rather desperate. Especially when you take a look at the latest Daredevil comic, which manages to dress Daredevil in blood-red attire AND look like it was written for mature audiences.



Plus, there's bound to be serious issues with the gameplay. Like Dungeon & Dragon: Heroes taught us, when you make your characters the same colors as the background (in D&D's case, brown), it starts to look like a game starring brightly colored Froot Loops.

Colored rings highlighting player characters may be handy for multiplayer games, but when all you can see is the rings, because the characters themselves blend in with the washed out techno-hallways they're fighting in, there's a serious problem with the art design.

Labels: videogames

Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard is the latest video game spoof to be critically panned for including very types of cliches that it parodies. Or as Gamespy put it, Eat Lead "points out some of the worst parts of gaming by example."

But if Bart Simpson whines about jumping puzzles during a jumping puzzle is that an automatic failure?

Ironic imitation is central to parodies. Without it, you'd only be left with word-play, slap-stick, and other hyphenated forms of humor. And yet time and time again, titles which spoof cliche game mechanics are hit with the same complaint:

The Simpsons (360/PS3) review by Game Informer:
"The biggest problem is illustrated through one of the game’s funniest features: the cliché. As you jump and punch your way through each mission, you will encounter hackneyed video game traditions like giant saw blades and pressure pads. Then the Comic Book Guy pops up and calls attention to the blatant unoriginality of these devices (“Ah, the crate. As seen in everything.”). While this almost always gets a laugh, pointing out clichés doesn’t make them any more fun to play." [Link]

My World My Way (DS) review by Game Informer:
"Tongue-in-cheek attempts to lampoon the RPG genre are littered about, but they fizzle out in the face of the game’s design; just because a game pokes fun at its own generic quests and characters doesn’t change the fact that players have to deal with them. A chuckle here and there doesn’t make up for hours of tedium." [Link]

Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard comments by Robert Ashley on the Gamers With Jobs podcast:
"...they take you into a tutorial, and the guy makes all these snide comments like, 'oh god, another tutorial.' It's like, yeah, but you're doing a tutorial. Making all kinds of snarkey remarks about your own game is kind of ridiculous." [Link]

When Spaceballs mocked Star Wars' scrolling yellow title sequence, they kind of had to have one of their own. It was exaggerated, sure, but it's there. The whole first scene is a classic example of comedic excess. They ridiculed Star Wars' long, quasi-pornographic shots of ships flying through space by giving you the longest, most exaggerated flyby in sci-fi history. And it worked, not because they were making fun of something their movie didn't have, but because they were making fun of something they had in excess.



How is this any different than Bart Simpson cracking wise about his own extended jump sequences? Hey, if the joke flops, it flops. Say you didn't find it funny. But poking fun at cliches by including them is a staple of parodies.

Here's another example: This clip from UHF, with Weird Al Yankovic spoofing Rambo.



Weird Al spoofed Sylvester Stalone's one-man army by exaggerating Rambo's every ridiculous aspect. Another option would have been for Rambo to settle his differences peacefully, challenging the enemy to a quiet game of chess. That'd have worked too, but instead Yankovic had Rambo blowing up a bajillion bad guys -- imitating, including, pointing out how ridiculous Rambo gets by example.

Now, I don't think high challenge and comedy go hand in hand. If you're going to throw a lot of jumping puzzles or endless waves of enemies at the player in the spirit of parody, don't make things too hard, or they'll be too busy chucking the controller in frustration to laugh about it. Keep things breezy, keep it fun. Imitate, but never frustrate.

Gaming has yet to have its own Princess Bride or Shaun of the Dead, satires that transcend the genre they're poking fun at. Give it time; the medium is young. But in the meantime, don't cripple the genre by panning hilarious games for daring to parody cliche gameplay.

One of my favorite takes on video game spoofs comes from Gamespy's review of Eat Lead:
No one is going to mistake Airplane! for a fine disaster movie, or Spaceballs for a science fiction classic, but they sure were funny. Gamespy makes no excuses for Matt Hazard's cliched gameplay but concedes that, yeah, maybe the cliches were there for a reason.

Labels: videogames

Matt Hazard is back! The 80s video game hero has returned from retirement in the aptly named Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard. This third-person shooter, voiced by Arrested Development's Will Arnett and Neil Patrick Harris, just might be the best Matt Hazard game yet.

What's that? You've never heard of Matt Hazard? Well there's a good reason for that: Hazard's entire twenty year history is a hoax.

Vicious Cycle Software did a great job photoshopping everything from NES side-scrollers to the Wolfenstein-esque Matt Hazard 3D and Haz-Mat Carts, a super-deformed kiddy racing game.

There's just one problem: They totally botched the character design.

Hazard is supposed to be an action/adventure anachronism; a relic from the era of pixels and powerups. So why the hell does he look like every modern buff bald space marine in body armor out there?

I could paste Matt Hazard on the Gears of War 2 box and no one would notice. You couldn't do that with Duke Nukem. If you did, people would think Duke Nukem Forever was finally coming out and then a mob of 30 year olds would scream for your blood.

"Have you ever wondered what it's like to be a real life video game hero from the 1980s?"

- Eat Lead trailer.

Let's examine everything wrong with ol' Jet Brody John Sheppard Matt Hazard's character design:

1. Sci-Fi Football Flak Jacket: Body armor? Please. In the 80s, people had a total disregard for personal safety. Rambo took on the entire Vietnamese army and the only thing covering his chest was a bandolier of high caliber bullets. That's right, his only protection from bullets was more bullets. If he had taken a direct hit to the chest, he would have exploded.
2. Bald head: No self-respecting 80s action hero was bald. Even Bruce Willis had a little hair back then. I dare you to name a bald star of an 80s action game other than Karnov. They either had crew cuts or jungle mullets. End of story.
   
3. Matt Hazard has absoloutely nothing in common with an 80s video game hero: Look, do I really have to list every conceptually flawed detail? In the 80s, action-movie-style game characters fell into one of two categories: Blue Jeans Brawlers and Jungle Rambo Warriors. Blue Jeans Brawlers favored white wife-beaters, dark shades and inexplicable forms of American kung-fu. Jungle Rambo Warriors preferred headbands and chainguns.

So why make Matt Hazard look so contemporary when he's supposed to be a classic?

I could understand if this bland baldy was the ass-end of some heartwarming character arc. Early Hancock trailers only showed Will Smith as a bum, even though he cleans up his act later in the movie, because that's what set it apart. They could have done the same with Matt Hazard: start him out looking like he stepped off the claymation cover of an early Nintendo Power, then show him adapt to today's market by shaving his head and bulking up on body armor. That might have worked. But according to the Eat Lead mythos, Matt Hazard is, was, and always will be a bald headed body armored space marine. They even faked the pictures to prove it.


Maybe by designing a character so utterly modern and lacking appeal -- I'm looking at you, Jet Brody -- they were trying to suggest Matt Hazard was the template on which all football-shoulders-space-marines are based upon, crediting him with single-handedly kicking off the Bald Person Shooter (BPS) genre back in the 80s.

Or maybe I'm giving them too much credit.

Comedy games are always a tough sell; they rarely score over a six or a seven even from the most generous of publications. Their only hope for success is to appeal to people with a sense of humor, who can forgive technical flaws as long as the jokes are good enough. So why market Eat Lead to die-hard Gears of War junkies, the kind of guys who become enraged when their favorite FPS scores a 9.4 rather than the 9.5? Matt Hazard's appearance alienates fans of quirky comedy games by trying to appeal to the sort of review-aggregating, Mountain Dew Game Fuel chugging, over achieving gamers who wouldn't play anything that scores less than a 7, let alone buy it.

But I'm not ready to give up on this game just yet. Look past the obvious flaws and Eat Lead: The Return of Matt Hazard actually looks like a pretty neat game. Neil Patrick "Doogie" Harris M.D. and Arrested Development's Will Arnett are naturals, and one gag in particular caught my eye:

One of the bosses you face is Altos Tratus, a white-haired Japanese RPG character from the Penultimate Illusion series. He's turn-based (even though you move in real time) and communicates via blue text box, which Matt Hazard has to press to advance. When Altos Tratus casts a heal spell, you can snipe the floating green hearts before they touch him and restore his health. You can even keep an eye on Altos' on-screen MP meter to figure out when his next attack will come and which it will be. They took a funny gag and made a memorable boss battle out of it. Pretty damn good.

Eat Lead may have its flaws -- some of which I've just listed in meticulous detail -- but if the rest of the game is half that clever, I'll pick it up when it hits the bargain bins.

Labels: videogames

Video game soundtracks used to exist only in the anime-postered realms those obsessed or wealthy enough to import them from Japan. Now they're being given away for free. Below is a list of video game soundtracks you can download legally, without Johnny Law busting down your door.

Note: This is very much a work in process, so come back for more and leave comments if you see I've missed anything.


Wolfquest original soundtrack | Added 2010-01-30
"Now you can listen to that theme and the complete game soundtrack, created by multi-talented musician and composer Tim Buzza!" Who is Tim Buzza you ask? Check the download, and get to know a little piece of his soul.

The Lord of the Rings Online Soundtrack | Added 2010-01-30
"These 61 songs from The Lord of the Rings Online... It features compositions from acclaimed video game composer Chance Thomas as well as original songs from Turbine." If you bought the Special Edition of LotRO, you probably remember getting a free CD soundtrack. But did you know they decided to release an even bigger soundtrack for free? So much for being special.

Greed: Black Border original soundtrack | Added 2010-01-30
An action RPG set in a futuristic universe. The tale of tough as nails space marines and the weary audience that endures them.

Warcraft 3 | Added 2009-05-19
Blizzard released sixteen MP3s from the Warcraft 3 Soundtrack.

Stargunner Soundtrack | Added 2009-05-19
"Originally when released, the Stargunner CD had CD audio on it which could be played in a regular CD player, or the game could read said audio tracks in the game. We are releasing the music in mp3 format for you to enjoy."

Chronicles of Riddick: Escape From Butcher Bay Soundtrack | Added 2009-05-19
To promote the Vin Diesel vehicle, Vivendi Universal Games released the Escape From Butcher Bay soundtrack on their website.

Warhammer: Dawn of War 2 Soundtrack | Added 2009-05-19
The sounds... of war!

Children of the Nile Soundtrack | Added 2009-05-19
Here's something different: An Egyptian-themed soundtrack from Tilted Mill Entertainment, makers of Hinterland.

Men of Valor
"Inon Zur conducted and recorded his score for Men Of Valor with Hollywood A-List musicians on the Eastwood Scoring Stage at Warner Bros. Studios, the world famous scoring stage named after Clint Eastwood."

Quest Studio's Sierra Adventure Games! | Added 2009-02-24
King's Quest. Space Quest. Quest for Glory. This site is a gold mine, a veritable national treasure of great game music. Fifty odd soundtracks are available as both midi and enhanced arrangements saved as .OGG or .MP3 files. And if you're the lazy type like me, they have downloadable soundtrack CD's with album art. Long live Quest Studios!

Labels: videogames

Labels: videogames

I updated Videogame Lookalikes, a once-in-a-blue-moon scenario so sporadic I figured it was worth a mention just to give you groovy RSS-addicts a heads up.

Enjoy Bob Villa, in all his bearded glory.



Ever notice how home improvement shows used to be, you know, about improving your home? Now all HGTV plays are desperate "flip your house" series. People only fix up a house if they're going to sell it. Used to be you could tune in to PBS and learn how to build a pine chair that'd last twenty years. Now it's about salvaging some junk couch from a hospice shop in order to trick people into thinking you have a nice living room long enough to flee with their money before they think to check inside the walls for hobo corpses.

Now the good news: I've decided Titular Movie Theme Songs may well be my sleeper hit. It's certainly the project that pops up most often in my head. MST3K is pretty well covered, but as far as I know, I'm the only one out there doing Titular Movie Theme Songs ("The title is in the lyrics!")

Yeah, the name may suck, so I figure I'll shorten it a little: TitMo TheOngs.

Or as Xerox suggested, drop the "O": TitMo ThOngs.

Yeah.

Labels: videogames

As you may have heard by now, Electronic Gaming Monthly has been canceled, and 1Up was bought by UGO. The January 2009 issue with Wolverine on the cover will be EGM's last. Even though I saw it coming, I'm still in a semi-state of shock. Pretty soon I'll snap out of it and write up a little retrospective, plucking favorite issues from my ever growing magazine vault. But for now I just want to say how much I'm going to miss the magazine.

Labels: videogames

MTV Multiplayer reports that "Extreme Sitter" Aaron Fotheringham, a wheelchair bound teenager who performs backflips and other stunts, thinks "those video games are death."

Watch the video below, and try not to become too inspired until you get to the end.

"When other kids in wheelchairs see me doing what I do, I'd just like to inspire them to go off a curb or jump a stair set, or just get out of the house, because those video games are death."

Let's see that again in slow motion:

"...juuuummmppp....aaa....sssssttaaaiiiirrr....sssseeettt..."

People this stupid need to come with disclaimers.

Face it, if some guy tried to "inspire" your teenage son or kid brother to push his wheelchair down a flight of stairs, you'd call the cops.

Labels: videogames

Over at Fidgit, the SciFi Channel gaming blog I read obsessively, Tom Chick has a new list of ten Halo factoids you probably didn't know about.

Halo will be seven years old tomorrow (the original game was released Nov. 15, 2001). It started as an experiment. Could Bungie, a company that made shooters for the Macintosh, make a shooter for Microsoft's new console system? It turned into a juggernaut.

I think one of the reader comments sums it up nicely:

"This article has informed me of several things I didn't know about the Halo series, unfortunately they are all made up."

• Halo secured a spot in the Guinness Book of World Records when it hit 26 million copies sold and became the best-selling game of all time.
• The logo from Monolith, one of Bungie's earlier games, has a prominent place in Halo 3. At the end of the game, Master Chief has saved the galaxy from the alien Covenant, the zombified Flood, and the actual Halos, which were galactic weapons of mass destruction. However, he's stranded himself in deep space in the process. So he put himself into suspended animation to await rescue. Roll credits. But a secret ending shows him drifting towards a planet with the Marathon logo. Easter egg or teaser?
• Halo's unlikely celebrity endorsement: "I've stayed up all night playing Xbox. Halo is the only game I play. It's the only game I know how to play and I'm not very good. But I will play it obsessively." That was Julia Roberts in a 2006 interview.
  

Best selling game of all time? Julia Roberts? Monolith?

A quick check at Wikipedia reveals Super Mario Bros. for the NES is still the best selling game of all time, at least according to Guinness.

Is Tom having fun at the expense ofHalo fans, or has something gone seriously wrong over at Fidgt? I just saw an ad for the website on the Sci Fi channel yesterday, so maybe the influx of readers had something to do with it. It's probably just one of those days.

When I tried to post a correction in the comments, Word Press told me "Text entered was wrong. Try again." Now *that's* irony.

UPDATE: Tom said it was all a case of bad editing. The facts and figures have been corrected. Now just one question remains: Where the heck can I get a copy of Monolith?

Labels: videogames

I think I mentioned this work-in-progress months ago, but when you're sick and home all day, it's a good a time as any to catch up on blog posts.

5 Reasons I Bought UnReal World RPG
The UnReal World RPG is an independent PC game set in the Finnish Iron age. What separates it from most other role-playing games is an emphasis on survival, simulating the harsh rigors of living off the land in ancient times. Instead of classes like Warriors and Wizards, you play Fishermen, Hunters and my personal favorite, a crazy old Hermit. It's sort of like an antisocial Dwarf Fortress, only this sucker has been around since the early 90s.

Click here to read the article, or visit the official UnReal World RPG page.

And no, that shot isn't me and my brother, it's from the game.

Labels: videogames

It's Gamepro, so you know it has to be good.

Here's a choice quote from Oblivion:

Even two years after its initial release, the game is still a feast for the eyes and is proof that game companies need to make more first-person RPG games.

So the game proves we need more role play game games?

Nicely put.

Xenogears is #8, a game I hate so much I'm going to repost an article on my website from years ago listing the reasons Xenogears sucks.

So deep was the customization and maintenance required for your Gear, and so rewarding were the results of adding parts and upgrades, the combat of Xenogears was almost another game within a game.

Yeah, too bad it was a game within a game with a ten-billion word script, each of those words more painful to read than the last.

#7 is The Ultima Series.

What a cop-out. Why do Zelda and Final Fantasy get separate entries, but not Ultima? Anyone who lists "series" is saying, "Okay, every Ultima game combined is pretty good. But you know what's better? #6..."

#6: Diablo II: Lord of Destruction.

The Diablo II expansion pack!

The sad thing is, I don't even think they realize they listed the expansion pack. It's not like they said, "Diablo II + Lord of Destruction."

Though not a full-blown RPG, Diablo II's hack-and-slash adventure makes our list. Why? Because it's an insanely fun game that weaves in RPG elements.

They write that for Diablo, yet when they listed #9: The Legend of Zelda: A Link to the Past, they didn't even mention what a Zelda game was doing on a list of RPGs. (Okay, Zelda II had an experience system... but we're talking Zelda III here.)

Fallout 3 is #5.

The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time (aka Zelda 64) is #3. Again, no Diablo-style mention of "it's not really an RPG." Which confuses me, because no matter how much you hate action/adventures or action/rpgs, you've got to admit, Diablo II was a hell of a lot more of an RPG than Zelda 3.

The list closes with World of Warcraft as #2, and Final Fantasy VII as #1.

Final Fantasy VII.

Incidentally, Final Fantasy VI was nowhere on the list.

Cripes.

I can't go on, it's too depressing. Just see for yourself.

Labels: videogames

Sorry this is a bit late, I was getting weird blogger errors whenever I tried to post and it threw off my whole groove. My groove, damnit! Thrown clear off course.

Here's a bit of Zeus Vs. Stephen King Text Adventure for your holiday enjoyment.

Stephen King's The Mist PC Game Review

Enjoy.

Labels: videogames

Well guys, I'm sorry to say I had to resign from Out of Eight. Some things have come up and I just don't have enough time to thoroughly play and review games anymore. James was nice and invited me back when my situation changes, but for now, I'm only going to have enough time for random updates here and there; no more marathon gaming for me.

Here's my last two reviews: King's Bounty - The Legend (7/8) and Strong Bad Episode 2 (also a 7/8).

There's been a tremendous amount of good PC games lately. Tactical-RPGs, adventure games, not just the usual big budget FPS titles critics seem to adore. It's starting to remind me of the 32 bit console era, when magazines regularly gave 100% scores to Tomb Raider and Mario 64, and in one magazine's case, a 101% score for Final Fantasy VII.

Labels: videogames

Last week I raved about Mount&Blade. This week it's Belief & Betrayal, a game that proves having an ampersand in your title isn't enough to guarantee success.

Imagine a gray haired man with his back to the camera. His voice is flippant, shrill and condescending. He's Jonathan Danter, a journalist and something of a ladies man, at least according to his editor, who's worried he'll waste time “looking at girls in mini skirts and sexy tops.” But there's no way any girl could tolerate the presence of this goofy-looking goose in shoes. He's undeniably irritating, the kind of guy you couldn't wait to get away from. And that's before he busts out his lovable little chestnut: “cats whiskers!”

Read my Belief & Betrayal review, or you can check out all my old Out of Eight reviews in the archives.

Labels: videogames

So, Mount&Blade was the first game I gave an 8/8 rating to, and --

What's that? I didn't tell you I write game reviews for Out of Eight? Well, now you know. And you can click here to read all my reviews on one page.

Anyway, Mount&Blade is an Action/RPG/Strategy game best known for its emphasis on large scale battles and real-time mounted combat. But you can ignore all that deadly warfare stuff and just be an apolitical merchant trader, buying low and selling high. I hate to abuse a cliche, but it's a bit like Grand Theft Auto. And Darklands. And Sid Meier's Pirates! Oh yeah, and it rules.

I always take a moment to contemplate my next step before crushing my opponent beneath the heel of my boot.

You can read my review of Mount&Blade here. If that doesn't convince you, there's also a generous free demo which lets you play the whole game until you reach level seven.

Spoiler Alert: I give it an 8/8, which doesn't mean perfect, it means you should buy the damn game already.

Labels: videogames

In an article called Xbox 360 Barely Outsells PS3 in August by Tracy Erickson (of GamePro!), PC World made the startling revelation that more owners of Nintendo Wii have bought copies of Wii Fit than the Xbox 360 title Too Human,

[Madden NFL 09 for Wii] even sold less than Too Human, which is a far more niche title than passing around the pigskin. Apparently Wii owners prefer working out with Wii Fit and pedal-to-the-metal sessions of Mario Kart than football or looting adventures set to a Norse mythological back drop.

Why even put that last part in there? It had me scrambling to see if Too Human had a Wii release I never heard about.

I get the writer's point, that a niche Xbox 360 title can outsell a major third party Wii release. But there are two problems with the quoted paragraph:

1. Madden fans are fist-pumping college guys who've always stuck with whatever system was coolest/most resistant to beer/bong water spills. They don't have Wiis, they have PS3s and 360s.
   
2. Saying Wii owners prefer Mario Kart to Madden is fair. Saying Wii owners prefer Mario Kart to Too Human borders on insane. It's like saying they prefer it to skydiving.
   

Labels: videogames

Here's a little something from the vaults: A rant titled Think Outside the Treasure Chest.

I dig skimpy chainmail babes as much as the next guy, but I'll never understand the video game industry's obsession with fantasy RPGs. Sure, early RPGs ripped their play mechanics from D&D, which borrowed heavily from Tolkien, who was inspired by mythology -- but that's no reason EVERY FREAKING RPG must contain magic and goblins.

Click here to read Think Outside the Treasure Chest

Written in 2001; still holds true today.

Labels: videogames

I use a game trading site, which lets me swap used games for points, then cash in those points on other used games. It actually works really well, because it solves the age-old problem of trying to find someone who not only has games you want, but wants one of your games in return.

Anyway, I sent out a copy of Tony Hawk's Underground 2 for GBA a couple of weeks ago, and never got any feedback. Worried, I sent a Private Message asking if they got the game. The reply I received was priceless:

Sorry about not being able to reply earlier. I got grounded off the computer. I got the game and I loved it so much my eyes were shriveled up from playing it so much

That is awesome upon badass. Things like that make me miss being a kid.

Labels: videogames

When I saw there was an article over at Cracked called A History of Violence: 6 Old School Games as Brutal as GTA, I checked it out to see if they had discovered Chiller, an arcade game I once called, "the most brutal, violent and sadistic videogame of all time." (Link to my Ironic Consumer review.)

Not only did they list Chiller, they made it their #1.

But there was something oddly... familiar about this screenshot.



That's right -- same point total, same time left on the clock, same last minute 300 point shot.

I actually like Cracked. Hell, I link to them on my website. It's just too bad they couldn't have tossed poor, neglected Ironic Consumer a little link. (Neglected, but not too obscure -- we're the primary source cited on Wikipedia and the top the Google search.)

When Games Radar used some of Flying Omelette's screenshots for an article called The Top 7... Nudity You Didn't Notice (in video games), they were kind enough to credit her for her work.

It's one thing to steal images from other websites when you're independent and barely covering the cost of web hosting with AdSense. But I kind of expected more from professionals.

I may not be the first guy to cover Chiller, but I'm pretty damn sure I 'm the first to use that screenshot -- especially considering I'm the one who took it

Update: I heard back from Jack O'Brien, EIC at Cracked. He apologized and added a link to Ironic Consumer. No hard feelings on my part. I don't really mind if people use our images, just as long as we receive credit. (Visa, Mastercard, anything but American Express.)

Labels: videogames

I've got a new article over at Bucket Bros, justifying the purchase of another indy game:

5 Reasons I Bought Strange Adventures in Infinite Space.

Here's a sample:

Inspired by the original Star Trek, Strange Adventures in Infinite Space (SAIS) is a game of turn-based galactic exploration and simple real time combat. You're not here to conquer the galaxy so much as swipe a few alien artifacts and exotic lifeforms, then make it home in time to collect some cold hard spacebucks.

Click here for the full article.

Labels: videogames

I got the idea after reading an article in EGM on the feasibility of famous video game weapons. Seeing the Gunsword next to a Lancer got me thinking. Are Double Weapons fundamentally flawed... or certified works of genius? And given enough time and a bit of javascript, could I do better?

• Nuclear Baseball Bat

• Remington Fists

• Flak Cannon Lasso

• Sniper Numbchucks

Click here to see your random Double Weapon!


This page has my first ever Stumble Upon button, so somebody tell me if it works and it trips them up. Just don't sue me. This page can't afford insurance.

P.S. This is a work in progress. If you can think of any weapons I should add, let me know in the comments.

Labels: videogames

Note: I'm going to post the full article in the next day or two, but for now, here's a preview.

5 Reasons I Bought UnReal World RPG

#1 - The full game is only $3.
You heard me, *three bucks*. The catch is, the $3 license isn't good for updates. Ever. Not even if you run into some really gnarly bugs. For that price, you have to Hex Edit them out yourself.

A $10 license will grant you a few buxfixes until the next major revision. Finally, a Lifetime License is available for $55, which is a lot of cash, but if you're really into the game, it'll entitle you to years of upcoming content without ever having to shell out another dime.

Me, I only spent $3. If they add anything new down the line, I might look into the $10 license. But nobody ever accused me of *not* being a cheapskate.

Might not be the most interesting reason, but I find this whole tier-registration plan oddly fascinating.

Buying this game almost becomes a game in itself. You want to time your $3 registration just before the next major revision, when all the old bugs are fixed and the new ones are ready to be programmed in.

I bought mine a few days ago, because there hadn't been an update in months and I thought I was fairly safe. Turns out I was wrong, as less than a week later, out comes version 3.10-2!

Oh, the horror!

Will the devious minds behind the game hook me into buying a more expensive license? Will I ever actually get to play it? What do I mean, "Digital Finns"? Tune in to find out! The next major revision of this article will be out in just a few days. And it's going to cost you $0.47.

Labels: videogames

Waffle Squadron Omega's Cap'n Jack has responded to my 5 Reasons I Bought Mount & Blade article and brought up an interesting point.

What struck him was Mount & Blade's lifetime license -- a one-time fee gives you unlimited upgrades for free.

This is a concept that other games - especially digitally distributed games (Xbox Live, PSN, WiiWare, etc.) - can benefit from. The pay up front + free upgrades for life works with most of the software that we use on our computers today. So why not use this with video games?

For example, the Penny Arcade Adventure: RSPOD, which is currently on Xbox Live for $20, could possibly benefit from having a $50 price tag if it meant we’d get continuous, free updates to the game over the next few years. It’s a gamble, because consumers can’t really be certain how often they’re going to get these free updates. But, if a precedent is set, then the market will be there.

Like Jack says, it's a gamble. The problem with paying more for episodic content up front is that like any "season" of entertainment, it might get canceled. Shenmue, SIN Episodes, Shining Force III for Saturn (the sequels were released in Japan only). The list goes on.

The one episodic game I can think of with real lasting power is Sam & Max. (Full seasons are available at a sizable discount.)

Given the shaky history of episodic games, the only way I'd be comfortable paying for a full season in advance is if we arranged what I call the Miami Vice Villain Agreement: Half now, the other half when you deliver the goods.


I'd be fine with paying $25 for the first episode, getting another nine free and then automatically being billed $25 when they fulfill their end of the bargain and finish the series. Plus, it'd give me a chance to wear pastel shirts under my sportcoat.

I like the idea of multiple payment options. For instance, UnReal World (another medieval RPG with a lifetime license deal) lets you buy the full game for $3. That's right, just three bucks and you own the whole thing. The catch? No more updates. Ever.

What if there's a game crashing bug? Nope. Sorry about your damn luck.

$10 gets you a Single Major Version license, good for a few bugfixes, at least until there's a major revision. Finally, Mr. Moneypockets can buy a lifetime registration for $55. Sure, it sounds like a lot, but you'll be entitled to years of future content. (Compare that to professionally developed PC games, where anything more than a bugfix is labeled an "expansion pack.")

As for free content just-for-the-heck-of-it, Unreal Tournament got a famous Bonus Pack some years ago, which did a lot to convince people that Cliffy B. beat John C. in the Unreal Tournament/Quake 3 wars. And Cryptic Comet recently released a free booster pack for its turn-based post-apocalyptic card card game, Armageddon Empires.

Even as the developer begins work on his next game, Solium Infernum -- in which players assume their roles as warring Barons of Hell -- he's announced another A.E. bonus pack -- again, for free.

Out of the kindness of his cold, black, demonic lord lovin' heart.

Labels: videogames

Curmudgeon Gamer is worried that single player modes could be a thing of the past.

"With news that even Resident Evil 5 wants to tap into the co-op trend, I definitely get a feel that the days of sitting on your own and enjoying something in a similar way as you would sit and enjoy a book are over. Social gaming is reaching a new epoch, so it's only a natural extension that everything tries to get on board." -- Curmudgeon Gamer.

It's all due to a quote from our favorite jittering man-goat, Phil "Give Me What I Want And I'll Go Away" Harrison:

"Alone in the Dark is a beautifully crafted single-player adventure game. I don't think the industry is going to make many more of those. I just don't think consumers want to be playing games that don't have some kind of network connectivity to them, or some kind of community embedded in them, or some kind of extension available through downloadable content." -- Phil Harrison, to Eurogamer.

Meanwhile, Joystiq bemoans the Golden Axe remake's lack of a co-op mode (along with everyone else who ever played the original games.)



Are co-op games getting more popular? Yes, thank God. (I'm one of those weird types who prefers to do his multiplayer gaming on the couch, where settled disputes are only a punch away.)

But I don't think a rise of co-op modes necessarily means the death of single player games. (Don't get me wrong -- things could get very grim. Just look at PC RPGs: In a matter of years, single-player RPGs went from one of the strongest genres on the market to the occasional Elder Scrolls title -- and Witcher -- lost in a sea of MMORPGs.) As long as there are smaller developers, we'll still have finely crafted single-player stories, even if so-called "AAA" publishers like EA think we're better off without them.

I think it's all a matter of staying true to the series. A single-player Golden Axe is every bit as stupid as a massively multiplayer Alone in the Dark. ("Lovecraftian horror" and "large crowds of newbies" don't exactly go hand-in-hand.) Final Fantasy 11 (should have called it "Online") never really caught on. I don't see much call for a Massively Multiplayer Mario Bros., while an expansive, 100 hour single-player Smash Bros. campaign mode is likely to be ignored than anything else.

Let the multiplayer mode fit the game. Buddy cop movies are fun, so "buddy cop" games like Army of Two are a no-brainer. But Final Fantasy is all about forgetting the world around you -- doesn't make sense to populate that world with assholes from the real world.

I don't hope for an end of single-player modes any more than I wish for a return to the single-player-centric mindset of the 90s. Let's strike a healthy balance, so that we may game with our friends, and just as importantly, game without them.

Labels: videogames

I meant to discuss this earlier, but here goes:

After a wonderful April issue, containing some of the best writing I've read in years (including a history of tchotchkes by my old buddy Scott Sharkey) Games For Windows magazine, AKA Computer Gaming World, is dead. Dead!

This is pathetic.

And I don't mean that in any insulting way -- it's an absolute disgrace that there's only one American PC gaming magazine left: PC Gamer -- go fig. (I guess the "Games For Windows" name was a little too obscure for the average person browsing the magazine rack.)

One PC gaming magazine left. One. (I don't count Beckett' MMO, which is just too specialized to do me very good).

What the hell is going on?

There's generally one answer given:

DURR! NOBODEE NEEDS MAGUSHEENS WE GOTS THE INTERNET!

Well, I need them, damnit. Because I don't spend every second online. Because it's nice to take one with you on car trips, or just turn on a reading lamp, pry your eyes away from the blinding radiation machine, and read yourself to sleep. Because, on occasion, I have been known to take a crap.

Besides, the "internet killed magazines" argument doesn't hold water.

Yesterday, at the grocery store, I was faced with a plethora of general interest computer magazines:

• Maximum PC Presents 401 PC Answers
• PC World
• CPU Computer Power User
• Smart Computing
• Maximum PC
  

Six general interest computer magazines! Six!

I ask again: What the hell is going on? Obviously, the people who buy these magazines have access to a computer, and you aren't about to convince me that people lacking internet access outnumber gamers by a factor of six.

Look, I know Computer Games Magazine and Games For Windows Magazine died due to mismanagement (more or less). But why isn't anyone stepping in there to take their place?

Magazines, like comic books, are a form of art; a sublime mix of text and images that rivals any other. Webcomics haven't killed off print comics. Porno magazines aren't on the verge of extinction (and I'm fairly sure that the second, if not first picture uploaded to the internet was a big closeup of boobs.) And despite TMZ.com's best efforts, tabloids continue to clutter the checkout stand.

It's inevitable that someday digital will replace print, but right here -- right now -- why have computer gaming magazines been obliterated while general interest computer magazines continue to thrive?

What the hell is going on?

Labels: videogames

Ernest Adams of Gamasutra said, "at $15, [SAIS] is the best value for money of anything I've seen in years."

Well you know what, Vern? I got that beat by 50%!

Paizo is offering Strange Adventures in Infinite Space on CD for only $7.50. That's 50% off the usual price of $15.


SAIS has been described as a mini-Star Control or "4x-lite." The playing time is 5-20 minutes, but the replayability is infinite, at least according to the official website. And they're not kidding -- on Paizo's reader review page, one fellow said he played the demo over a hundred times before deciding to buy the game.

"But Zeus! Longer games mean added value!" Yeah, not really. It's just as fun to beat a good short game twenty times as it is never to finish a long one, maybe even more. Think back to the days of Final Fantasy IV, when you could beat a Square RPG overnight. Kinda made you want to hit reset after the ending credits and start again, didn't it? Same concept here.

I'veI wanted to play this game ever since 2002. The digital download is only $15, but getting it on CD for $7.50 was too good to refuse.

Don't take my word for it -- I haven't even played the game yet. Gamasutra called it "a perfect short game." It won the Underdogs Top Dog award. And for you brainy types, GamerDad called it "....an existential height of great re-playability and meaning."

And it looks like a totally accessible Star Trek simulator.

Count me in.

P.S. While you're there, be sure to pick up Plasmaworm. Apparently, it's free.

Labels: videogames

NOTE: This is a work in progress, but since no one reads this blog anyway it shouldn't matter. Expect updates soon.

I don't think the problem is piracy. The reason people don't buy many PC games anymore is, well, who can afford them?

A console costs $300-400 dollars and is good for 5 years, more or less. (Much more, in the case of PS2.) A gaming PC costs over a thousand and you start to have trouble keeping up with new games after about a year, barring constant hardware updates.

The real joke is that except for gaming you can do basically everything you need to do on a computer using eight to ten year old hardware. Web browsing, email, word processing -- these aren't things that require upgrades.

So we're supposed to shell out $2000 every three years for what, a few new PC games? When console games look almost as good for 1/4th the price and twice the longevity? Please.

I think people are starting to catch on. A better investment would be to never upgrade your PC again and just buy a console every four or five years.

My new stance on computers is that I treat them like cars. I'll fix parts when they break down, but I'm not going to run out and buy a new one every three years as long as I can get mileage out the one I already own.

In the meantime, I'll continue to play classics and buy games from developers who support gamers, not hardware companies.

Mount & Blade had me at "DirectX7 support."

Psychonauts, on the other hand, continues to languish on my shelf, unplayed, because the bastards won't let me play it. To them, having their pixels shaded is more important than actually letting me play the damn game.

Choppy framerates I can deal with. I played Quake on a 486 DX/33. But one thing I can't stand are error messages telling me that the water might look a little less than shiny, so sorry, I can't play the damn game. You want to talk "ruining the experience"? Try not having an experience at all.

The really crazy thing is, I can play KotOR (an Xbox port) fine. But the spiritual sequel, Jade Empire, (also an Xbox port) won't work with my video card. Why? Because that they thought having a few special effects was more important than reaching gamers with older PCs.

Look, I realize you can only reach back so far. Consoles aren't "forwards compatible," there's a limit to these things. I am fine with not being able to play games like Half-Life 2, which had an advanced physics engine my rig couldn't handle. That's gameplay, to the core. I appreciate that Morrowind lets me play it even without pixel shaders and crap, but I'm not going to expect to play Oblivion because that's on a whole other level (ragdoll physics, etc.)

But the petty "Oh, the game might not look as SHINY, let's not even let them PLAY it" mentality is killing the industry. Is Jade Empire really so much more advanced than KotOR that I'd need new hardware just to play it, when both games ran fine on an Xbox? I don't buy it. Changes could have been made, and sales could have increased. But why bother, when you could just half-ass it and blame piracy.

Developers claim they can only make money on MMOs and casual games. Because... Why? They're pirate proof? Wrong. It's because we can actually run them -- casual games aren't any less prone to piracy than any other, and MMORPGs are dominated by a single game -- World of Warcraft -- while newer titles like Tabula Rasa continue to die.

Let's look at WoW's minimum requirements for a clue:

- Intel Pentium® III 800 MHz or AMD Athlon 800 MHz
- 32 MB 3D graphics card with Hardware Transform and Lighting, such as NVIDIA® GeForce™ 2 class card or above
- 4x CD-ROM drive
- A 56k or better Internet connection

A 4x CD-Rom? Oh crap, how will I manage? I'll have to buy it as soon as I save up for a 56k modem.

Now let's compare that with Tabula Rasa.

- 2.5 GHz Intel® Pentium® 4 or equivalent AMD™ processor
- 128 MB Direct3D and Shader 2.0 compatible video card and DirectX 9.0 compatible driver

Viva la Rasa? Not with those requirements.

Age of Conan is even better:

Processor: 3GHz Pentium IV
RAM: 1GB RAM
Video Card: Shader Model 2.0 and 128MB RAM: NVIDIA GeForce 5800 or ATI 9800

Recommended
Processor: Intel Core 2 Duo 2.4 GHz (E6600) or better
Video Card: NVIDIA GeForce 7950GX2 or better
RAM: 2GB or more

Something tells me that the Age of Conan will last about as long as the Age of Mythica.

It's a crummy time to be a PC gamer. But at least we have indy developers on our side. The second Iron Tower Studio said Age of Decadence could run on a GeForce 4 MX, they guaranteed a sale.

The only professional developer who seems to get this is Blizzard. I remember playing Diablo II on my cruddy old laptop, and it was amazing -- a brand new game on this total non-gaming rig! You can bet they had my money.

Publishers could learn from Blizzard. Instead they're learning new ways to alienate consumers, embracing DVD-drive-destroying anti-piracy measures and insanely high system requirements that all but guarantee we'll turn to consoles, older games, or turn away in disgust.

---
Sneer at the average consumer all you want. It is they who have made this industry bigger than Hollywood, not us; they who have made The Sims and Myst some of the bestselling games of all time.

Labels: videogames

Got a new article over at Bucket Bros. It deals with a rather touchy subject, so I went more for fact-based than funny, which is a direction I'm more comfortable in leaning towards these days. Call it the maturing of an Asshole Webmaster, a man who has leapt at the chance to finally discuss something truly meaningful. Also, I managed to work in a picture of Madonna and the Spice Girls holding the leashes of some groveling leather-gimps.

The internet rules!

Blacklash: How Accusations of Racism Force Blacks Out of Video Games.

It's wrong to deny someone a job because of the color of their skin, and surely this should also apply to video games. Yet time and time again, companies who include original (non-licensed) black characters in their games are hit with accusations of racial insensitivity until they cave in and remove them entirely.

What follows is the strange story of how racist accusations have kept video games politically correct by banning an entire race of people.

Read full article here.

Fun fact: Inspired by Giant Bomb, the article has been scaled down from 700px to 600px wide. Which means now you can finally read it, instead of having your eyes jog across the screen until they get tired, pop out of your head and roll away.

Labels: videogames

After a full year of insisting gamers get an extra job or cash in their daughter's college fund for a $600 monstrosity known as PS3, Sony has finally issued a price that drops perilously close to affordable, maybe, if I sell a few pints of my blood.

But caveat emptor (which is Latin for, "hey, check me out, I know Latin"). The new model of PlayStation 3 is even more feature-reduced than the infamous "Xbox 360 Retarded." Yes, it is... PlayStation 3 Alzheimers.

Why Alzheimers? Because it's forgotten a proud tradition that Sony started with the PlayStation 2:

The $400 PlayStation 3 is not backwards-compatible. Not even a little. You can't play PSOne or PlayStation 2 games on it. (Hell, you're lucky it can still play DVD movies.)

"The new model is also no longer backwards compatible with PlayStation 2 titles, reflecting both the reduced emphasis placed on this feature amongst later purchasers of PS3, as well as the availability of a more extensive line-up of PS3 specific titles (a total of 65 titles across all genres by Christmas)." [Link]

You heard 'em right -- 65 titles. Who could ask for anything more? Merry Christmas!

The reason for this, Sony will assure you, has nothing to do with the fact that you can now download PSOne games directly onto your PlayStation 3 -- for a small fee, of course.

In other words, the new PlayStation 3 won't let you play Final Fantasy VII, but it WILL let you pay to download a copy that works.

Can you imagine if Sony redesigned other things -- like your girlfriend?

The good news: She's a lot cheaper.

The bad news: Now she's missing a few ports. And she's no longer "backwards compatible," if you know what I mean.

Ha!

Labels: misc, videogames

I made a prank call today. I couldn't help it. The School of Game Development made me.

Okay, they didn't make me, exactly. But they were asking for it.

Just take a look at their half-page advertisement in Game Informer magazine:


Friggin' genius! He doesn't even hold his control pad the right way. And he's supposed to be a graduate? The only way that would work is if this was the "before" picture a two-part ad. The message being, "We even taught this guy how to program!"

Concerned for the future of the School of Game Development, I placed a call.

No, seriously. I called them up. And though I did not mean to, I spoke in a slight Indian accent. Purely subconsciously, I assure you.

Fine. I sounded like Ben Jabituya.

Ben (me): Hello, is this the School of Game Development?

Operator (bubbly): Yes it is!

Ben (me): I was wondering if you had a course on advanced joystick holding.

Halfway through saying this, I realized how dirty it sounded. I was afraid she'd hang on me. This wasn't a sleazy call! Luckily, things were about to get too damn funny for her to hang up on me now.

Operator (slight pause): No, sir.

Ben (me): Well I noticed in your advertisement that the fellow in the advertisment ("ad-ver-tis-ment") held his gamepad outwards, away from him, and I was wondering if this is an advanced technique?

Operator (mortified): We... can can teach you how to make a game -- how to develop on a platform -- but we can't teach you how to play...

Ben (me): Yes, that is the problem. I cannot play -- I hold the gamepad facing towards me.

And at that point, my brother laughed so hard in the background that she hung up.

The end.

Labels: videogames