Introduction

Alas, titular theme songs are a thing of the past. The closest we get these days is when a producer pulls 50 Cent away from his coloring books long enough to babble about "getting rich" or "magic sticks" or whatever the hell he raps about. (I swear, the man was born without a forebrain.)

Special needs pop stars aside, the golden age is over. So let's look back at some of my favorite titular theme songs... {{{Wavy Flashback}}}

Spaceballs by The Spinners
(1987)

- Sound Clip - Spaceballs (185 KB .MP3)

Not that it's better than Star Wars as a whole. It's hard to argue with the power of a sextology (or at least without giggling at the "sex" bit). But given the choice, I'd rather watch this Mel Brooks masterpiece than any single Star Wars movie. Hell, it's got John Candy! And Rick Moranis! And that scene where they rewind the movie as it's being made!

I like the Schwartz better than the Force. I like the people in Spaceballs better than real people. But I still like Yoda better than Youghurt.

The Song: What you've got is what they need. And all they do is dirty deeds. They're the spaceballs. Oh, yes. They are the spaceballs. They are the masters... of space! Don't mess around. They're the spaceballs.

Secret of My Success by Night Ranger
(1987)

- Sound Clip - Secret of My Success (323 KB .MP3)

The Song: Secret of My Success is the kind of song that plays when you're remodeling an old house or building a laser or mastering karate. This particular montage shows Fox and his yuppie girlfriend doing research and talking low blood sugar. And even though the song I'll always associate with the movie is Oh Yeah by Yello (which plays while Fox's aunt seduces him in the backseat of a limo), this film isn't called Oh Yeah, it's called Secret of My Success. So there.

Turtle Power by Partners in Kryme
(1990)

- Sound Clip - Turtle Power (301 KB .MP3)

The baby turtles were adorable, and my favorite mutant -- Raphael, because he was Red -- wound up being the kind of sulking anti-hero Hugh Jackman only dreams of. But the best part, at least judging from audience reaction, was when Kasey Jones sent Shredder's right hand man flying with a golf club. "Fore!"

The Song: Of all the why-the-heck-are-they-playing-rap songs of the 80s, this was the best. Every time I hear, "And they displayed... Turtle Power" I want to jump in and sign the chorus. But I can't, because it's in Robot Language and I flunked Assembly.

Granted, Vanilla Ice's Ninja Rap from Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: Secrets of the Ooze was more popular, only because of Vanilla's infectious Go-Ninja-Go-Ninja-Go chorus. (Everything about Vanilla Ice is infectious. Blood. Saliva. Everything.)

Revenge of the Nerds by The Rubinoos
(1984)

- Sound Clip - Revenge of the Nerds (459 KB .MP3)

These days Donald Gibb, the actor who played beer-loving Ogre, has his own line of Ogre beer.* And Curtis Armstrong, who played Booger, is the voice of the American Dad character Snot. We've come a long way, baby!

*[Also available, the Glowing Ogre Thong. It's twice as effective as a chastity belt! Gross: "Put Don's face in a special place." Disturbing: "This product is designed to fit juniors." Oh. My. God...]

The Song: Revenge of the Nerds sounds like a Weird Al Yankovic tribute band comprised of ex-Devo members. It was sprinkled with clips of the movie, like this:

Revenge of the nerds!
(Ogre) Nerds!
Revenge of the nerds!
(Lewis) Uh-hah-hah

The Neverending Story by Limahl
(1984)

- Sound Clip - The Neverending Story (413 KB .MP3)

Not really, but I totally had you going there.

The Song: The Neverending Story captures the wonder and enchantment of the film. The vocals are provided by Limahl, who sounds a little like Annie Lennox in her prime. Set against a synthesized backdrop, Limahl's voice is soft, angelic and beautiful.

By the way, here's a picture of Limahl:

Yes, that really is lipstick and a five o'clock shadow. You're welcome.

The Graveyard Shift by...
(1990)

- Sound Clip - The Graveyard Shift (3.18 MB .MP3) Since there is no known soundtrack and since this is one of the geatest songs to grace this miserable rock of a planet, I'm risking litigation to post the entire song. Enjoy.

Alternating between a deep Maine drawl and just about everything else, Warwick's accent has fascinated viewers for generations. As a California boy, I had no idea if anyone actually talks like this. It was time to call in Sharkey, born and raised. I sent him three short clips and -- because I have emotional problems -- asked him to rate Warrick's Maine accent on a scale of one to ten, from Brad Pitt in Snatch to Pure Moxy.

Ya Ever Run the Picka? I'd give this a 3, just for "Ya evea run tha picka?" I could actually buy that one. Then it goes straight to hell. Or London, which is close enough.
To Put it Plainly... I'm going to give this a 9. It deserves a 1, but his accent wanders through every town in the state. And by that I mean towns like Norway, Paris, China and Mexico.
Ain't Been Cleaned 1. I don't think that gawmy mess is from anywhere. I think he's just drunk.
- Sharkey

The Song:

No soundtrack was ever released for Graveyard Shift, and it's a real shame. The ending theme is a chunky, funky, clanky, laid back tribal-industrial song laced with sound clips from the movie. While most titular themes are so upbeat they can drive you mad (try looping Howard the Duck for twenty minutes), Graveyard Shift is strangely addictive. You gotta love how they arranged sound clips to form weird little conversations.

There was just one problem: Graveyard Shift had six songs, and it could be any one of them. So I did the only rational thing I could do: Pick the creepiest title -- They're Gone by Scott Reeder -- track him down and send him an email.

Hi J.R.! They're Gone was pretty silly - they only used a second or two when one of the workers takes his headphones off - you barely hear it at all. Still gets royalties, though! I didn't get a writing credit on the end titles thing, but I did a lot of work on that one, looping the machine sound and sampling dialogue stuff and laying it in. Can't remember an official title... That was a really fun project - I made some instruments out of bones, and Vinnie Colliuta (sp?) came in and played on a lot of it, as well as Luis Conte.

Cheers! Scott

Weird Science by Oingo Boingo
(1985)

- Sound Clip - Weird Science (473 KB .MP3)

I probably should rent these things before I write about them.

The Song: Weird Science is performed by Oingo Boingo, Danny Elfman's old band. If you were surprised by Charlie and the Chocolate Factory's hidey-hidey-ho music, it can be traced back to Oingo Boingo. This song, however, is pure 80s pop. I heard it five minutes ago and the only lyrics I can remember is something about "pots and pans." Pots and pans? What the hell is wrong with me? I'm gonna go get a brainscan.

Big Trouble in Little China by
John Carpenter & The Coupe de Villes
(1986)

- Sound Clip - Big Trouble in Little China (395 KB .MP3)

Enter the Burton. John Carpenter tapped into America's psyche and gave us what we needed the most: A beer swilling trucker-philosopher who could bring down a 3000 year old Chinese warlock with nothing more than wisecracks and swift reflexes.

Ironically, the beer swilling truckers this movie ostensibly targeted were outraged at the sight of all them damn Asians. Big Trouble was a box office failure. Today, China is poised to become the the dominant economic force in the world. And all because people were too stupid to realize that John Carpenter was tapping their psyches.

The Song: Big Trouble in Little China is performed by John Carpenter's band, and he actually sings on this one. It's not as bad as you think -- Carpenter sounds a little like Hewie Lewis, and other rockers I'm too young to remember. However, the music video is pure atrocity, and I've have dedicated an entire page just to it.

Howard the Duck by Cherry Bomb
(1986)

- Sound Clip - Howard the Duck (301 KB .MP3)

Like Big Trouble in Little China, Howard the Duck was a box office failure. It's like one of those videogames that look like they're for kids, but the writing and humor is targeted for adults. Parents didn't appreciate the raunchy jokes (massage parlors, condoms, Lee Thompson's bedroom scene with a water fowl) and young men accostomed to Star Wars violently defecated at the thought of a Lucas movie starring the Ewok.

But in my family, Howard had found its niche. From the Duck Noir opening to the first signs that Jeffery Jones was a pedophile -- er, Dark Overlord -- right up to the Ghostbusters-style finale that pit laser-wielding duck against the Stygian hood rat Cthulhu keeps on the down low, we loved every quackin' second of it. Enough that I'm willing to humiliate myself twenty years later with that "quackin" line.

The Song: Howard the Duck is sung by leading lady Lee Thompson, who some of you may remember as Marty McFly's mother in Back to Future. She does a commendable job, but part of me wonders what it would have sounded like performed by Tori Amos, who auditioned for the part. My best guess? Crazier, and with a whole lot more piano.

Goodbye now!